Found

I was surprised to have a friend find me on facebook. It was someone I remember often, but not someone I'd ever thought of talking to again. When we used to talk, I had a nickname for him, and, for the life of me, I couldn't remember his real last name.

But, surprisingly, he remembered me. And I was his first friend on facebook, too. Of course, I'm sure I'm not the first he requested, but still...

Anyway, it was just nice to "see" this person again, and chit-chat a bit. If nothing else, it made me happy...and, even smile.

Strange

I had a strange dream the other day. I don't often dream, but when I do, I try to take note of it. I think, usually, I dream when I'm really struggling with things, or when I'm so exhausted that I actually sleep. This was a strange dream, and because of that, I decided to actually write it down. So, I'm sharing it here. It was kind of all over the place, so it doesn't flow well, like a story would. Either way, I wrote it down. Lemme know what you think.

I was in a (mall/hospital?).

My SIL was getting arrested (for what?) She was handcuffed and talking to the police officer. There was a woman who was writing the ticket (not an officer) and a crowd gathering and watching what was going on. I was yelling and cursing at the officer and the lady for arresting my SIL. My SIL was embarrassed at the way I was behaving, as was I (after a while). The ticket-writing woman was getting snippy and pulling the “attitude” with me. They walked my SIL down the hall with handcuffs on and took her to prison.

I walked down the hall with my mom, who wasn’t feeling well. She sat down, and I called a doctor over to help. They admitted her into the hospital. She didn’t want to stay, so we left the room.

I had a breakdown, I couldn’t take anymore stress. They admitted ME into the hospital, where they gave me medication and sent me on my way.

I met with my mom again, and she was getting arrested. She had another episode of not feeling well, so they admitted her back into the hospital.

I walked down the hall and sat on the stairs. I saw a friend (ca) walk out of his office. He was walking with a co-worker of his, but looked up and saw me. I motioned that I needed just a few minutes to talk, but he shook his head no. Seeing that I really needed a shoulder to cry on, he explained to his co-worker he’d be back in a moment. He took a few minutes to talk with me anyway, which meant a lot. We hugged, and I told him quickly what was going on, and started crying. He held me close for a while and comforted me. It meant a lot to me. However, he had to go to back to work. He was clearly upset because he had to leave.

I called my husband to come get me, and help me work all this out. He drove to the (hospital/mall?). We decided to meet in the parking lot. There was a picnic bench under a tree. We sat and talked a while, when he went back to the car to get something. He left his phone behind, and I sat there waiting for him to come back.

Meanwhile, a couple of guys came up, threw their backpacks on the table, and sat down to talk. They made a big commotion about it, and tried mixing up their backpacks in an effort to confuse me. They were trying to steal our phones, but in the end, I was able to move the backpacks and outsmart them. I picked up both phones, told them not to mess with me, and walked toward the parking lot. They left me alone after that.

While I was walking, there was a black man—acting drunk or stoned or something, and asking me for something. I wanted to get away from him, but he was persistent and wouldn’t leave me alone. He kept getting closer and closer until he was “on top” of me (meaning, just in my space).

I called for my husband, who was now in his car. He drove around, and then right past me. I thought he was going to stop and pick me up and save me, but he just kept driving. He saw I needed him, but he just ignored me. I couldn’t call him (I still had his phone), so I kept running to get away from this guy.

I tried to hide in a school bus; I got in and tried to keep the doors closed with my feet while he pushed and pounded on them. He walked toward the back, and opened the emergency exit, and I left the bus. Of course, he was standing right there. I pushed him away and walked around the other side of the bus, where an officer was standing. I told him that I was trying to get this guy away from me, that he was following me and bugging me and I needed (the officer) to listen to me. The strange guy said I was over-reacting, and that we knew each other. I was begging the officer to listen to me and believe what I was saying. The officer finally asked why he should believe me, and the drunken guy straighten up and they both started laughing. They were in this together—they were from the “probation office” (or something) and keeping an eye on me because of my SIL’s arrest.

So, they left me alone.

I went back into the hospital to try to find my mom. I walked up to the surgery desk, and asked about her. They sent me to the admitting desk. They looked it up for me, and said that she had been admitted, she’s staying the night, and that she had a heart attack. They said that they were doing (some sort of specific heart surgery).

I went back outside, found a grassy hill, and sat down. I thought about everything that was going on, and decided to call my friend. (The same friend that had to get back to work) As I was dialing, I heard a noise behind me, turned to look, and saw a man jump out at me, ready to attack.

I screamed (out loud) and woke up. (And screamed so loud I woke up my husband, too!)

Bummed

I'm feeling kinda down today. Not for any particular reason, exactly, just because. I think it's that the days are so long now, and there's nothing really to look forward to. At least while I was in school, I had a reason to get up and showered and dressed and out the door. Now I don't have that. I mean, yeah, I get up, and I'm doing a great job cleaning the house and getting things together, but I need a purpose.
School doesn't start until June 1. That's a couple of weeks...and they are going to be internet classes, so I won't really have a place to go. My meetings are still only once a month, although that will change in July--then it will be 2x's a month.
I'm not really going anywhere with the kids until June, because they need to get their stuff together first, and, quite frankly, we're a bit short on money this month.
I really need to get out of the house, I guess. I don't really have any close friends around here. I can't go out with my hubby without hiring a sitter. I don't really have anyone to call, so I can't just sit and chit-chat with someone.
And, my inbox is empty...

Grades

Whoo-hoo!

I got an A in my World Religion course! I knew I'd do well, but it helps to have great grades for my transcript. I'll have a better chance at a grant later on! Also, I got my geology grade back. When I started taking the class, I figured I'd aim for a C. I just need to pass. As I studied and studies and studied, I realized that I could actually pull off a B in the class. How exciting! I looked at my grades, though, and got something I wasn't expecting at all...

An "A".

Yippeee! I'm so proud of me! I worked really hard for my grades, and I surprised myself.

I'm feeling better every day now, too. I actually cleaned the tub the other day. It's been, well...a LONG time since I've done that. It felt really good. I've been cleaning my kitchen today, and I feel much better about it. I'm not doing it begrudgingly, I'm actually enjoying myself. It's relaxing and calming, and I feel good.

I'm sure I'll be able to keep up, too, if I get back with FlyLady. She's helped me a LOT in the past, and (until I stopped caring about things) I had a clean house that was organized, decluttered, and nice. I wasn't stressed, and I'm MUCH nicer when my house is clean!! (I guess it's the perfectionist in me!)

I was finally able to clean out my van, too. Since it's HUGE (it's a 12-passenger), it's really hard to do, and I need HOURS to wash the covers and re-do the carseats and all that stuff. I did that on Mother's Day, at my mom's house. I had a wonderful time, too. The boys helped me, and we didn't argue or fight. In fact, we had a lot of FUN! It was great!

We're actually thinking of getting a pet, too. Not a dog or cat--I can't deal with all that. Maybe a fish. You can flush those if something happens...and they are SUPER easy to care for. If our last one survived the move, we would still have him. Yep, a fish is good.

Our vacation to Chicago is off, however. We were planning on going in June. My sister is crushed, and I feel awful for that. BUT, instead of going and rushing for a week in June, we're planning on going and staying for a couple weeks in November. We'll have more time, and more fun, and I can see more family and friends. The weather will suck, but we'll survive.

So, that's it for now. The older boys come home today (they've been at my moms for a week) and my mother is spending the night. We're going shopping tonight, and then cleaning my house tomorrow. Hopefully we'll have a nice time together, too.

And, I flaked a bit on my orders for my van stickers. I ordered a door magnet (advertising my group) but put my husbands phone number on it. Sigh. Now I have to re-order them with MY number. It's only $5, but still...very annoying.

Off to finish the kitchen now.

Retirement

My husband has decided it is time to retire. He will have been in the Air Force for 20 years come the end of December. It has been, for years now, the plan for him to retire, and me to go back to work. He has taken care of us for over 10 years, and will become a SAHD (stay at home dad)...something we both want for our family. I have taken care of the family and home for over 10 years, and it is time for me to follow my career...something I've been preparing for and wanting for a long time.

I have spent the time with my babies, watching them grow and nursing them, and guiding them into this stage of their lives. Now that they are almost all in school, and nearly weaned, it is time for me to move onto the next part of our lives.

I will, at best, have an associates degree that is, essentially, useless in the workforce. I haven't worked in over a decade. I have to write a non-existent resume. In an economy that is in the toilet, I have to try to prove myself to an employer that probably isn't hiring. A few years ago, I couldn't get hired at WalMart. Everyone can get a job at WalMart--except me. And I'll have to put off school after December, too.

With my husband retiring, we will lose a paycheck, free medical insurance, life insurance, dental...all of that "important" stuff. This is especially worrisome because we have one child with serious medical issues, and 3 others that, well, can't go without insurance. I'm also thinking of having the last of a couple surgeries that I need in the next few months as well. I don't know if I'll be able to have them that quickly, but I'll have to try. I'll lose my medical as well. I have a few chronic conditions that can't be left untreated, but they will have to, now.

We can pay for insurance, but with virtually no paycheck, that will be much harder. And, because most of us have pre-existing conditions, we either won't qualify, or will have to pay FAR more than the "normal" person.

Of course, we could put our one son on disability. He's qualified before, and benefited from it, but we go to a point where we didn't need it anymore, so discontinued using it. And I HATE having to ask for help from, or answer to the government (of course, if they actually took care of the people that served and their families, this wouldn't be an issue, but that's opening a whole 'nother can o' worms).

And my husband will be on disability through the VA. Although, there's a good chance he'll still be able to work. Which, given the right opportunity, we could both pull off working. Even with him working full time, he would still be home more than he was before.

There's just SO much change about to happen. I'm worried. We knew this was coming, and have tried to prepare for it, but I just don't think we've done enough. We will deplete all our savings within a few months, unless his retirement check comes in on time, which, knowing the military, is quite unlikely.

Is this really the right time for him to be retiring? Well, yes. He has to. Yes, there are stipulations about staying longer than 20 years, and it is possible...for some. It isn't an option for us, so we're going to make due with what we can.

Its a scary thing, change. But hopefully everything will work out for the best. I can only hope that this won't be as difficult and scary as we're making it out to be.

Done

Yeah! I'm done with all my studies for now. As expected, I got an A on my last test and final exam in World Religion. I'm still waiting on my grades from geology, I imagine I got a B in the class. I'm happy with that...science just isn't my thing, and I gave my ALL in that class.

That's all for now, I'm going to finish up what has started off as one of the best weekends ever.

Forgot

Well, I forgot my meds yesterday. Wow...what a difference. I didn't scream and yell, but I felt heavy and weighted down, and very on edge.

I tried taking my kids out, and every single thing they did drove me crazy. And, I only had 2 with me. It was nuts. I won't EVER forget my meds again.

Oh, and for the last two weeks, I've been going to bed around 11:00 or earlier, because I'm SO tired. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep at all. I ended up awake until 4am, and I'm crabby now.

I finished my last WR assignment, and I've studied all that I can for my test and final. My brain is fried, so I think I'm finished studying. I'm sure I'll do well in this class...even with a failed test and/or final. I know enough that I'll get through it. I just want to be done.

Mayish

Geology is finished! Whoo-hoo! I don't know what my grade is yet, but I'm done! I took my final this evening.

I also got my jellyfish report back. When I wrote it, I was still loopy on the meds. In fact, it was day 2 of the meds when I wrote it. Surprisingly, I got my report back, with a 100 on it, and a note that says, "This is really outstanding!"

I don't know why I worry so much.

Oh, yes I do...because I have a zillion other things on my mind, too. Like the meeting in the morning, the fact that the plates and inspection on the car and van are overdue, that I have to pick up Conner's supplies tomorrow, and write a paper for my WR class, and study for a test AND a final for Thursday, etc, etc, etc...

I need to be two people. Either that, or take two pills.

Better

I feel SO much better today. Not wooo-y at all. I think I got enough sleep and enough to eat, and the meds are leveling out.

I'm running errands all day today, and studying when I get home. I have NOTHING to do this evening--no class, no kids things, no going out for anything. That makes me feel better. Now I can totally relax and do nothing. It's great.

I think I'm finally back to normal. Yeah!

...and I just realized it's MAY!