Laughing

I laughed today. I didn't realize that I haven't laughed in a long time, until I found myself laughing today.

Day 6, and so far this week, I've cried twice...but it's just been tears, not sobbing, and I laughed twice. Well, a little yesterday, and a bunch tonight.

It may have been the company, too. I was out with my SIL yesterday, and my niece tonight. Both are fun people.

I'm feeling much better with the meds now. I do still feel nauseous, but only once I have an empty stomach. I don't eat a lot while on the meds, so that's a bit of a problem. Well, it's a good thing, but a problem because if I don't eat, I'm empty, thus the nausea.

I still feel a little woo-ooo-y, but not as bad as in the beginning. I think it comes in waves now. I can tell when it starts to wear off, and then BAM! it hits me again.

I realized something else, too. The days are SO much longer. I guess because I don't spend all day in a panic about what needs to be done, and worrying if I can get it done or not. I also realized that, before my tests, I don't panic and worry about whether I'll pass or not. I used to go crazy worrying about the grade, if I studied enough, if I'd fail, etc. Now, I just went in, took the test, and didn't think about it. It was kinda nice to not be totally stressed about it.

I'm giving the kids this and next week off from home school, because I want to concentrate on my finals next week. I'm not even really worried about them. There's a lot to study, but I'm sure I'll have enough time and I mostly understand everything, so...

I feel really good so far. I hope that the meds can stay working for me, and that I can continue feeling better, and that when I do level out, it's not as bad as it was before.

Friends

I don't like to open up to people. I'm friendly, I talk to everyone, I share stories with people. But it's rare I find a good friend, one that I can really talk to.

I have a few closer friends here in town. We met during the Obama campaign. They are true friends, ones I could go to for anything, and they would help. But they don't really know the real me. They see the part that I want them to see.

I have a few closer friends from my parenting meetings. But, because I'm the leader, they have to only see what I want them to see, too. So, while they know me, they don't know the true me.

I have a friend from high school. We talk all the time. Recently, she called off her wedding and has had other issues with her family. I can tell her anything, and she can tell me anything. We've always been close, and it's hard to see both of us so far away. But, things are changing. I found myself judging her not too long ago. And I know she's not wanting to talk to me as much. And, just when she needed me most, I wasn't able to be there for her...I just had too much on my plate, and couldn't "deal" with her. It's just different when we talk now. I think we're growing apart.

I have another friend from my younger years. But it's hard to talk to him. He's judgmental and mean-spirited. He doesn't support me like a friend should, and talks down to me all the time. I'm really not sure why I continue to talk to him at all. He is, quite frankly, an ass.

I do have one friend that I can share anything with. Sometimes it's hard to talk, but I cherish our friendship.

Sometimes it's hard to hold onto friendships. I don't want things to change...I hope I can hold onto the true friends I have. And I hope that I can be as good a friend to those that have been so great to me.

Floating

I float through time on this medication. It's like I'm here, but I'm not. Everything is moving so fast around me, but I'm moving in slow motion. My arms are heavy, my body is planted on the ground, yet I feel like a bubble, just floating along.

Yeah, Wooo-ooo-y is what I've been calling it.

I hope this levels out soon. I'm not sure I can float through life like this. It's funny...I listen to songs, and I hear them...but there's no emotion to them. I used to smile, or cry, but now...it's just a tune.

Sometimes, I have a tear when I think about things, but I'm not crying a hard cry. And I have a smile when something is funny, but not a big laughter like I used to.

Maybe I am losing a part of me...

Different

Some of you know I'm a screamer. Lately, though, I've been out of control. Until the meds...

This is what just happened:

Kids put a cup of water on the floor and walked away.
I walked into the room, didn't see the cup, and tripped over it, kicking water across the room.

This is what happened next:

me: can someone bring me a towel, please?

child: clean one, or a floor towel?

me: see if you can find a floor one.

child: there's none in here

me: oh, look, there's one.

Not to exciting...not really something to write about, right? Well, it is. Here's why: 4 days ago, here's how that would have went:

me: WHAT THE FUCK? WHO LEFT THE CUP ON THE FLOOR? BRING ME A FUCKING TOWEL NOW!!!

child: I'm looking, I'm looking. Hang on Mom.

me: HURRY UP.

child: I can't find one.

me: JUST BRING ME A FUCKING TOWEL, ANY TOWEL, NOW, GODDAMIT.

add 20 more minutes of me bitching and swearing because I spilled water.

I knew I was a bitch. I knew I was upset. I didn't know how bad it was until I spilled the water today.

Now, I'm ashamed that I'm telling you this, because I don't want to admit how awful a parent I was becoming. No wonder my kids are losing it. No wonder my husband was telling me I was getting out of control. No wonder I couldn't see it.

I'm actually crying now. I was so far gone I didn't even realize it. I was a bad mom, and losing it, and had NO idea. The good thing is that while I'm talking with the kids now, they know I'm listening. They even commented on how there's no yelling in the house now.

I'm glad my doctor saw it. I wasn't asking for help...I still felt I didn't need it. But he was good enough of a doctor to notice I was over the edge. Too bad he's a neurologist and not a PCM. I'm so glad this is working. I don't care about the nausea and side effects...I'm not a bitch anymore.

Loopy

OK, well, yeah. I'm certainly loopy now. This drug is really getting to me. I spend half the day a vegetable, the other half sleeping, and all the time nauseous. I feel like I'm drugged (I don't like that feeling), I'm completely out of it. My husband says I'm out in la-la land somewhere. The doctor said that it will take about 2 weeks to balance itself out, but damn. If I didn't feel sick all day long, I could handle the flakiness. My body feels so heavy. My arms are too heavy to pick up most of the time. I have to use all my effort to walk or move. I feel like I'm forgetting to breathe half the time. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion.

Even my 7 year old noticed it. He said to me earlier, "Mom? Are you OK? You act like you're sick."

The only good thing is that I'm not hungry on this medication. I only eat because I'm nauseous, and I feel like if I ate it would be easier on me.

Yes, I take the pill with food.

I'm wondering if it's just too strong. I don't know. I can't continue feeling like a loon all the time...but let me tell you this...

It's working. I'm not stressed over anything. I'm not sad over anything. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not yelling about anything. It's peaceful in the house. I think hubby and the kids like that I'm not a raving bitch anymore.

And if taking this pill is going to bring harmony to the house, and hopefully to me...I'm all over this!! I just hope I can get past this nausea.

Crazy

I started the Lexipro today. I wasn't expecting it to take effect for a couple of weeks. WOW. I feel loopy. I mean...I'm here, I'm not sad or happy, just here. But I'm loopy as hell. Not as bad as the sleeping pill where I was high as a kite and seeing double and stuff, but kinda wooo-oooo-y. <-- that's a technical term.

So far, I'm liking it, but I don't want to be a zombie. I'm pretty sure that what I am right now. I started it today, Saturday, because I wanted my husband to watch me. So far, I've been gone for 2 hours, and he's gone now...lol. That plan isn't working well. We'll see what happens tonight.

Meanwhile, please forgive EVERY & ANYTHING I say for a while, knowing I'm newly medicated.

While I'm on the subject, I should mention how I've been feeling lately. I've been crying. Over everything. Sad crying. I don't have anyone to talk to, no one to take a few minutes to "escape" with. I used to go out with my SIL, but school is in the way of that now. I used to hang out with my nephew, but he's not around. I used to talk to my friends, even though they lived miles away, but I can't do that anymore. I used to talk with my husband, but I don't even have time for that now. I can't even talk to myself, because I can't find a moment to think.

And things are crazy around here. I mean, I knew that I was stressed, and doing too much. I knew this would be a heavy load. I knew that we would all sacrifice a bit so that I could get through these classes, and so that I could help the kids through school, and everything else...but it's been WAY too much for me.

My husband has been telling me for a while now that I'm over-stressed, and anxious and on edge all the time. Of course, I believed him, but I didn't think it was as bad as it seemed. Then, my doctor told me that I was tense and stressed. Yeah, I thought, but he doesn't know me. So I mentioned it to a friend, who I haven't seen in a couple weeks, and she says, "You just don't see it in yourself". And another friend says, "Sometimes it's hard to know when you are just over the edge".

How bad was I really? I know I was stressed, but I didn't realize it was at the point where I looked stressed, and crazy, and everything. As bad and sad and crazy as I was feeling...it was WORSE? Was it THAT clear to everyone but me? Am I THAT messed up?

Tests

The EEG went well...or, not well...

They put a bunch of stickies on my head then had me close my eyes for the test. They watched me for 20 min, then did a breathing thing for a min or two, then a light thing. With my eyes closed, they flash lights like crazy--slow at first, then faster and faster. There was about 10 sets of lights. The last 4 were bad for me. I actually yelled out a bit during the 3rd to last, and she kept reassuring me, "it's ok, almost done". I was SO dizzy, and I felt like I was going crazy. Of course, the intention of this is to induce a seizure, if you get seizures, so they know what's wrong. He asked me if I've ever had a seizure before (not that I know of), and so, either I'm having mini seizures, or I'm having migraines. Well...duh.

The EMG went well. My husband had me all scared, telling me it would hurt, and that the pins will hurt, and all this crap. I was a nervous wreck. Only in one spot did the pin hurt, my left hand, in the fatty part under the thumb (I failed A&P). The rest was nothing. The electric shocks didn't hurt either, but it wasn't comfortable.

I have to redo the sleep study with oxygen to see how that goes, and I have to have an xray on my neck.

So, with the EMG, EEG, Sleep Study, MRI and blood work, this is what they have for me:

• I have sleep apnea. I woke up 53 times in an hour from either low oxygen or apnea.
  
• I have migraines; I'll be taking meds to deal with them, not prevent them. (or, they are mini-seizures...lol)
  
• I have chronic anxiety; they want to put me on Lexipro (he *claims* I won't gain weight on it-pfft)
• borderline high blood pressure (lack of sleep/stress?); I have to monitor that closely for now.
  
• Carpal tunnel (I have no pain); I can have surgery (not) if I begin to hurt.
• The lymphedema is not as bad as last time.
  
• and, (for those that didn't know), I'm fat. Yes, he made a point to tell me that. Because I needed a bunch of extensive testing to let me know.
  

I think that's it.

Doctor

Tomorrow is the EEG and EMG test. I have to be there first thing in the morning. (ugh 8am, and it's an hour drive).

Hopefully I'll find out the results right away, and also the results to the sleep study (which I think are skewed because of the sleeping pill they gave me--that left me high as a kite for 3 days).

Don't forget to catch up on the last 3 posts.

And, for my sanity, this:

ch 81
Truthful words are not beautiful.
Beautiful words are not truthful.

School

I had an appointment yesterday, with my school's counselor. I have good news, almost all the way around:

• I have 3 classes left. I can take 2 in the summer, one in the fall.
  
• All the classes can be taken online, so I can be home more with my children.
  
• I will be able to graduate in December, as planned.
  
• I have a fantastic GPA. So good that the counselor said, "We don't see grades like this very often...I'll have to check into what needs to be done". While it isn't a 4.0, and could, quite possibly go down (with the grades from the 2 sciences coming in), I will still be able to graduate with honors...
• sort of. Because I transfered near the end of my studies, I won't have enough hours at this school to join the honors ceremony. I could, quite possibly look into graduating from my old school, but I haven't gone there in 5 years. I don't know if they will allow me to graduate there.
  
• Either way, I have a fantastic GPA going into the university. Because of this, there is a STRONG possibility I could earn a $2,000 scholarship toward each semester (so long as I continue pulling good grades).

I have a few things to do to prepare for the next few classes, and for graduation and transferring to the university. I will begin my first list on that note:

1. Find what has happened to my Pell Grant money for the summer classes.
   
2. Schedule an appointment to register for next years Pell Grant.
   
3. Attend "Web Orientation" so I can understand how to take online classes.
4. Begin graduation application process.
   
5. Set up appointment to see counselor at the university.
6. Begin the application process at the university.
   
7. Arrange to have transcripts sent to the university.

And, it will help me to remember this:

Ch. 53

If I have even just a little sense,
I will walk on the main road and my
only fear
will be of straying from it.
Keeping to the main road is easy,
But people love to be sidetracked.

Chaos

It's time I make a list of what needs to be done around my home. I feel like I'm drowning in chaos, and I'm grasping to accomplish just ONE thing around here...the more I try to do, the less that gets accomplished.

Chapter 38
A truly good man does nothing,
Yet leaves nothing undone.
A foolish man is always doing,
Yet much remains to be done.

Just a short time ago, my life wasn't filled with chaos, and there was order in my home. I found this order through "FlyLady". It sounded absurd, at first, that simply cleaning my house would help me find organization and stability in my home...but it did just that. My house was clean, my children were healthy and happy, and any chaos that came at me was something I could handle. I was able to think clearly, there was less stress, yelling, and misery in my home. Now, however, the flybaby has fallen off the flywagon, leaving Chaos and disorder to enter my home.

So, with that, I begin again.

I start with the list, then a list of lists, so as to see what needs to be accomplished, and find the right way to do so. Look forward to a public list, so as to hold myself accountable.

Pride

Finally, some good news. I haven't shared all the bad news that's been going on around here, lest I sound like I'm wallowing in a cesspool of negativity. But, there was finally something good that happened today, and I'd love to share. You'll be the first to know!

As you know, I'm taking a World Religion course. I wrote a paper on two chapters in a book (as per the assignment), along with a cover sheet and glossary (again, as per the assignment). The paper was to be minimum 25 (numbered) sentences (yes, really), based on the book, out of 100 pts. etc., etc., etc. You get the point.

I didn't give much thought to this paper, and was actually disappointed in it because I didn't THROW myself into it like I usually do. In fact, I finished the paper saying something along the lines of "There's more to be said, but I don't really want to write more". Frankly, I was tired, not in the mood for the assignment, and I threw it together the day it was due.

Anyway, I got my paper back today, and I not only got 110/100 (bonus for being awesome!), she asked if she could copy my paper to use for the sample paper in her class. This means my paper was PERFECT!

This whole Wu Wei thing is proving to be true! Wu Wei is the Taoism way of "Work without working", or "Do without doing". The time I spent not stressing, not working too much, not giving it my ALL, proved to be my "best" work. If I had done nothing, it would have been non-existant, had I given it my all, it would have been good, but not good enough. By letting things flow, and taking it easy, I've accomplished great work.

And now I must work on not bragging...or complaining.

From Chapter 43 of the Tao Te Ching:

Hence I know the value of non-action.
Teaching without words and
work without doing
Are understood by very few.

(From Chapter 3, a different version than the one I am reading:

Practice not-doing
and everything will fall into place.


From Chapter 7 of the Tao Te Ching:

Therefore the wise embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
Not boasting,
They receive recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.

Homework

I need to write a report on jellyfish fossils. It's not too difficult, I don't think, but the report is due next week.

I need to write a report on a religious picture. I'll pick something from Taoism, of course. Also due next week.

I need to do a few pages for my geology class, study a bit for my world religion, (all of which is due, of course, next week) and get my kids caught up with homeschooling. We may be moving school throughout the summer as well, due to my lack of organizational skills.

Things are going better around here, except for a few small things.

I also need to work on not being judgmental, and try to find a way to manage anger a bit better.

Memory

Well, I survived the weekend. I had my sleep study, but ended up taking medication to sleep. Ambien CR. I spent the last two days high as a kite. I can't remember Monday or Tuesday, and don't know HOW I survived at all.

I can't tell you how Monday went. I went to school, but don't remember being there at all. I really don't remember Monday at all. Tuesday was a bit better. I do remember being at my meeting, but I don't remember who was there or what we talked about. I did get into 2 bumper-accidents in a parking lot that day. First, I backed into someone's truck. They weren't in the truck, so it was no big deal (I did find him and let him know what happened...he didn't care). The next one, a girl hit me. I figured the guy was so nice, I had to return the favor. I don't really remember it all happening, bu I do know that I was PISSED at the time, and I remember calling my husband and crying about it.

Today was April 8. When I was in high school, there was a boy I dated. He wanted to marry me, but I wasn't interested in him at the time. We joked about how one day we would get married, and he "made" me come up with a date. Knowing that the year 2000 would NEVER happen, I said we'd be married on April 8 of the year 2000. Of course, I didn't marry him. Now, on April 8th of every year, we send each other a "Happy April 8th"...and I think about how GREAT it is that I didn't marry him. I would have totally been miserable, and my life wouldn't be as wonderful as it is right now. Greener grass? Nah, it's as green as it's gonna get right here on my front lawn, thankyouverymuch!

I have to finish out this busy week, then I'm hoping to take a break. My aunt is coming into town on Friday, I hope I get to see her at least once while she's here (she leaves Monday).

That's all for now.

Canceled

My sleep study, that I've been waiting for months to actually have, is going to have to be canceled. It doesn't end until 7am, and I have to be home by 530 am for the kids. The next available appointment isn't until June, and my hubby will be out of town then. So, I feel like I should just forget it. There is SO MUCH red tape to run through to get this moved, that it doesn't even seem worth it to me. BUT, I could have my mom leave her house at 4am (haha) and be here by 5am so someone can watch the kids, get one off to school, and wait until I get home, but..blah.

I'm actually really annoyed. I'm beginning to feel like things are crashing down around me again, and I hate that feeling. he kids are losing it, I'm overwhelmed with things as it is. Here's what I have on my plate this weekend and week, and this is if everything goes as planned.

Friday/Saturday: SERIOUS scrubdown on the house because I found a bug and I need terminex to come in and spray again. First bug since we've moved in 4 years ago. I'm sure it's just something that flew in, but I'm not taking any chances.
Sunday: Sleep study at 8pm overnight.
Monday: Paper due a 6pm for Geology
Report due at 6pm for Geology
Quiz over a 30 page chapter at 6pm in Geology.
Tuesday: It's the first Tuesday of the month, so I have my meeting at 10:00am. I have to spend the weekend planning this meeting, or I'll lose my mind--"winging" this meeting just won't work for me.
The kids start ART classes tonight.
Wednesday: 3 chapter mid-term in Geology. I haven't read the first chapter yet because I'm so busy, so trying to learn and memorize 3 chapters is going to KILL me. Plus, there's an essay, and I don't know anything about anything yet.
Thursday: 2 page report on a reading assignment due at 6pm.
2 oral reports due at 6pm.
And a test over Buddhism at 7pm. I shouldn't have to spend too much time studying that, I usually do well on the tests...and I can afford to screw up royally and I'll still come out with an A in the class.
Friday: Nothing. I don't care if the world falls down around me, I'm not doing ANYTHING on Friday.
Saturday: the kids have a birthday party, but with the way I'm feeling now, I won't be going. My husband can take the kids!

Oh, and my water heater just pooped out on me. That would explain my $70 water bill...sigh. And, it will explain the serious chunk-o-change we gotta come up with in the next week, should we like to take a WARM shower.

Another update: I'm thinking of shaving my head again. Yep...again.

So, yeah, I'm a bit busy.

Endometriosis

Endometriosis is a pain in the ass. Really. I have no other way to describe it. It's cramps, pain, diarrhea, bloating, back pain, cramps, and more cramps. I've spent 2 days hurting pretty bad, and tonight doubled over in pain. Enough pain that I actually cried, and finally took a Darvocet (painkiller).

Endo, for short, started for me years and years ago, and I have, in fact, blogged about it before. I suffered through it as long as possible because I knew I wanted children. 4 pregnancies and a few years of breastfeeding later, I knew I couldn't deal with this anymore. Cue a hysterectomy, and you'd think all would be well.

Not so. Evidently the Endo has spread to other areas of my body. Who knew it could? Anyway, I'm in a tremendous amount of pain right now, and I'm pretty sure the painkiller just kicked in. So this is going to be a short blog, but I still felt the need to write about it.

Here's a video that explains Endo in a very simple way.


Here's more info on Endo, for those that are interested.
I found this part particularly interesting, as I have all but the last of these symptoms:

Pelvic pain

A major symptom of endometriosis is severe recurring pelvic pain. The amount of pain a woman feels is not necessarily related to the extent or stage (1 through 4) of endometriosis. Some women will have little or no pain despite having extensive endometriosis affecting large areas or having endometriosis with scarring. On the other hand, women may have severe pain even though they have only a few small areas of endometriosis. Symptoms of endometriosic-related pain may include:

• dysmenorrhea – painful, sometimes disabling menstrual cramps; pain may get worse over time (progressive pain), also lower back pains linked to the pelvis
• chronic pelvic pain – typically accompanied by lower back pain or abdominal pain
• dyspareunia – painful sex
• dyschezia – painful bowel movements
• dysuria – urinary urgency, frequency, and sometimes painful voiding