New Year.

Well, in 2 days, it'll be a new year. So far, the new decade doesn't seem like it's going to be all that wonderful. In fact, I'm not sure I wanna join it.

Just thinking about it makes me sad.

I'll get a obligatory once-a-year kiss from my husband, at midnight, if we both manage to stay awake that long.

Other than that, I have nothing to look forward to, except standing in line at WIC, SSI, unemployment (with my hubby), and TANF (for welfare) and Food Stamps.

I hate that I'm in this position. I can't find a job.

What was supposed to be full-time turned out to be a VERY part time job--not even 7 hours a week. Of course, I'm keeping it...I need something! I'm applying at every place in town, but everyone is laying off after the holidays.

My hubby isn't trying. He either doesn't give a shit, or doesn't have the energy, or doesn't think it's as serious as it is.

I can't live like this. I feel like I'm failing my family. I'm trying so hard. I'm going back to school for the ONE class I have left. It's two days a week, but only an hour during lunch-time. I WANT to work. I'm looking for whatever I can find. I'm trying.

I'm more and more scared as the days dwindle away, and the bills begin to pile up. So far, nothing is late, but they are due soon. Slowly but surely we will begin to lose everything around us until there is nothing left.

Did I mention I'm sad? I'm struggling with depression something terrible. I hate feeling this way. I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to, and I feel so alone. And that hurts.

Failures

So I've been on this "fail" streak. I'm not quite sure what's been going on, but I've been feeling like I can't do anything right anymore, and it's bugging me. I have a 4.0 gpa, and I've failed my last two finals, dropped a class, and ended up with a C in my last two classes...Fail. . I was talking to my hubby about it, and he says, "Well, I told you to study".

No shit. Like I didn't think about that you dipshit-asshat. Of course, I didn't actually call him that, but I wanted to. I'm not in the mood for fighting right now, I guess because I'm feeling down, and at the time I was heading out the door.

I have one class left, and because I forgot to sign up for early registration, the last class I have to take for graduation is full. So now I can't graduate..Fail Again, I tell my hubby about it, and he says, "Well, you need to get on the ball".

No shit. And he needs to get on the ball with this GI transfer, so I can have money to go to school. Now, I'm not pushing for him to give me his GI money, he did rightfully earn and work for it, and if he plans on using it, it's there for him to use. However, he said he WANTS to give it to me. He HAS to transfer it before he officially retires, which is January 1st. Times a ticking, sweetheart...but you don't see me nagging, jerkass.

Then there's my group. I had to stop my enrichment meetings, because NO ONE has been showing up for the last 6 months. So, that feels like a fail to me, too. Also, because I'm doing this all on my own, it's really hard to keep up with things. I'm also having a hard time because there was a "glitch" with the transfer from the last person "in charge" and me with the bank account. Basically I have no access to the funds (which isn't but $50 anyway, but I need it to pay fees).

Like a dumbass, I mention that, because I'm really feeling down about it. This is really the hardest on me, because this is what I LOVE to do. Even though I don't get paid to do this, this is where my passion is (duh). This is why I'm here, this is my calling, and this is where my heart is. In the midst of pouring my heart out about feeling like I've failed with the group, he CUTS ME OFF, and says,

"I'm so fucking tired of hearing about _ _ _ "

Now I'm in tears. That one really stung. I'm actually pissed and hurt and everything. We seem to have a major argument about once a year, and I'm thinking that this is going to be the start of one. He doesn't see how much this hurt me. I didn't argue or anything, I just teared up, told him that really hurt me, and walked away. He got defensive, told me that I should feel like a failure, because I can't force people to come to meetings, and huffed off.

But that's not the point. It's not about the meetings, the grades, or all of that. It's about the fact that I'm struggling. That for some reason, things are going downhill and becoming much more difficult for me, and I'm having a difficult time accepting it. It's about the fact that he's not being supportive.

men should be required to take a feelings course.

I don't know what's going on with me. I'm not sure if it's because these classes are online, if it's the meds that are making me think not as clearly, or if it's because I just don't give a shit anymore. I just want my freaking AA so I can move on already. I've been working toward this for 8 years now...I'm tired of it!!! (one class a semester will do that to ya...lol).

Quite honestly, I'm sick of the kids, I'm sick of being at home, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm trapped in the house. I LIKE being out of the house. I LIKE going to my meetings. I LIKE going to work and school. I LIKE getting up and dressed and getting out of the house. I feel important again, and useful. When the kids were babies, and needed me and were nursing, They needed me, and I needed them...and I felt important to them then. But now, they don't need me that way, and that's ok. They aren't nursing (The "baby" only once a week or so now) and the boys are older now. It's time for a new chapter. I'm ready to embrace it and move on.

I don't mind my hubby being at home, so long as I can make enough money to support us (I can't right now). If he doesn't mind homeschooling the boys, I don't mind them staying home during the day. It's been our plan for us to "switch places" all along (I was supposed to be finished and have my BSW by now, though, and I'm WAY behind).

My hubby doesn't like change, and he's resisting though...I'm looking forward to it, but I'm REALLY afraid of finances. We don't ever argue about money, but it's never been this tight before, so I'm really scared.

Sorry to unload here, it really feels good to just let it all out without feeling judged or getting yelled at. I love y'all!

Surgery

Ok, wow! I can't believe I found the blog again. Stupid computer crashing stuff.

Anyway, here's the "quick" version of what happened.

First, I found blood in my urine. And, like all people, I figured if I ignored it, it would go away. Then it got worse. Still, I ignored it. FF a month later, I'm feeling some pain in the front--about where my ovary is.

Eventually I convince myself to call the dr.

He gets blood tests, emergency U/S and x-rays, and he's still not sure, so he sends me to a urologist (or is it an urologist? If it's a vowel, but it "sounds" like "y", then...well, never mind).

Meanwhile, he puts me on vicodin. Of course, I don't like taking meds, so I fill the rx, and stuff it in the cabinet for later.

2 days later, I'm crying and can't stand the pain anymore. Vicodin, here I come.

I see the urologist and he sends me for an immediate catscan.

There was one 5mm kidney stone at the end of my ureter, almost to my bladder. It *may* have passed, had the 7mm kidney stone not come in behind it, to block off all flow of urine, and any chance of me passing that. Even if the 7mm was pushed down because of the urine pressure, it would have been stopped by the 5mm...so the chances of me passing them was slim to none.

They tell me I'm having surgery in the morning.

FF past all the insurance BS, and I'm laying in the pre-op room, having a panic attack, when they decide to let me know that they need to put a stint in.

The stint goes from my kidney through my ureter, into my bladder--curling on both ends. It hurts like freaking HELL...far worse than the kidney stones did.

Add a few days of massive pain--enough that I almost overdosed on painkillers and had to call my 16 yo niece in to babysit me while I try not to die.

The surgery was August 27th. The doctor tells me 2 weeks, and he can take it out, and lets me know that the next week (week of sept 1-4) he'll be out of town. So, that means I should get the stint out Sept 10 I had an appt for the 9th...twice, but they rescheduled me (once for 9am, then they moved it to 330pm). Then they scheduled me for Monday, the 14th. That was canceled yesterday, and is now set for Sept 21.

But I'm not sure I can make that, even.

So, I'm out of meds, in fucking pain, pissed at everyone, and ready to go off on someone.

Offended

So recently people have been telling me that I'm too "pushy" about breastfeeding. That I'm trying to "shove breastfeeding down their throats". That is the LAST thing I do. I post what I like, on my page, and if you like to look at it, you look. if you don't, skip over it. I do it all the time with other people's posts. I don't, and haven't ever, told someone that they MUST breastfeed or anything like that. And I've never put down another mother for anything she's done (assuming, of course, that she isn't putting her child in harms way...and even then, I comment respectfully so she won't shut me out).
Anyway, I was feeling really offended by people being offended, for the FIRST time in my life. So I talked to a few friends. And, I wrote this note to everyone:


To those that are offended...and those that are not

Many of you have noticed my recent posting of various breastfeeding awareness materials. To most that know me, this isn’t out of the ordinary. Nor are the postings offensive or excessive. But to some, they appear to be.

Seeing how I’ve been passionate about breastfeeding for over 11 years, and how my passion has grown over the years, the comments that people say to me leave me unaffected…until now. Over the years, there hasn’t been one thing someone has said to me that has made me angry, upset, or otherwise defensive of my postings or my position on breastfeeding. Then again, the people that commented were virtual strangers, uneducated (specifically about breastfeeding), and people that didn’t matter to me. And those that did know me understood me and knew that this was who I was. If they were troubled, they came to me with a civil discussion about anything that seemed bothersome to them.

Suddenly, however, there are people coming out of the woodwork, expressing their distaste in my postings. It seems some people are expressively (publicly and privately) disturbed by them. Most people that have expressed their distaste have done so in a polite, understanding, and non-confrontational way, but nevertheless…their words began to sting.

And I started to doubt myself.

For the first time in years, I let the comments get to me.

In response I turned to my closest friends; those that would tell me if I was over-doing it. Was I posting too much? Were my posts offensive? Why would everyone (really, it was just a select few) come to me around the same time? And WHY did I feel the need to defend myself? These are the friends that would be brutally honest, and in a way that I can appreciate.

And they reminded me who I was. They reminded me what I stood for. They reminded me that I needn’t justify MY convictions to others. They reminded me that MY page is for MY expression. And they reminded me that, for all I do, if I help just ONE mom, I am making a difference. In all my years of advocacy, making a difference to just one family has all I ever wanted to do.

So I went back a few years. I broke out my old journals. The ones that I wrote to help other mothers. The ones that I posted because I had SO MANY mothers coming to me for help that I couldn’t keep up. The journals that expressed my enthusiasm in helping breastfeeding families. The journals that I posted publicly so that every woman could see them (not just those that already had my help). The journals that I wrote with all the love and conviction that was inside me.

And then, I saw them…

The “Thank You” from the mom that was ready to give up.
The “Thank You” from the mom that didn’t know where to turn.
The “Thank You from the mom that wasn’t sure if she could do it.
The “Thank You” from the moms that I didn’t know.
The “Thank You” from the mom that wasn’t looking for help, but found it anyway…And
The “Thank You” from the mom that was too embarrassed to ask for help, but got the help she needed because of my post.

THAT is why I do what I do.
THAT is why I post my pictures.
THAT is why I post articles.
THAT is why I will NOT justify my postings anymore.
THAT is why I will continue to do this, and
THAT is why I will NOT ever doubt myself again.

I love what I do. I have devoted my life to helping women who want to breastfeed. I give my all so that other women can have a wonderful breastfeeding experience. I don’t expect everyone to understand…it’s something that only a nursing woman can understand. And, even then, there’s just a select few that can come close to understanding. I do, however, expect everyone to understand that this is my passion…and I will continue to offer my help to EVERY woman that needs and wants help. And, if I cannot help you, I will help find someone that can.

To those that are offended, I offer my apologies. Not because what I do is wrong or offensive or distasteful. Instead, I apologize because you cannot see what I do as wonderful.

To those of you that find encouragement and enthusiasm in my posts, I thank you. It is because of you that I continue on this journey through life. Your support and words of thanks are my encouragement. YOU are MY inspiration. For you, I am eternally grateful!

Neglect

I've been neglecting you, Blog. I've just been really busy. I have a TON of work for school due this week. My final is on Monday, though, so it'll be over soon enough! Then I'll finally get a break on studying!

My first enrichment meeting is coming up for my mother's group. I'm really excited! I've been working hard on getting this all together! I'm sure it will go well. I'm expecting 4 or 5 moms, and if they all show up, it'll be a success!

WBW is coming up the first week of August. Hopefully we'll be able to get things together for a celebration. It's just SO HOT in August (Hell, it's 100* out now, it'll be even HOTTER then!). Maybe we'll have our celebrations later in the year...who knows?

I miss writing and talking to my blog. I'm glad they don't hold grudges...

(or do they?)

Fish

I guess it's a good thing I got a fish. Right now, it seems like the only one I have to talk to is the fish with no name.

I guess it's just me. I feel like I have no one there for me. I can't call a friend to go out for a while, because I have no one to call. I can't call my sister, because she lives so far away. I can't talk to my husband, because he doesn't (care? have time? understand?).

Even my online friends aren't around right now. I feel so alone. And I'm crying.

I hate that they are having fireworks tonight. I love the whole 4th of July "thing", and I don't want to deal with anything today. I just want to crawl up in a blanket and be alone.

I'm just tired of crying. And even more tired of crying alone.

I even feel bad for posting this. It's not a "poor me, gimme attention" post...it's just that I need to talk about how I feel...and if I can't, I'll tell this little blog. At least the internet will listen...right?

Baby

My good friend had her baby last week. I was supposed to be here to help her with a few things, but she went into labor early, and I missed it.

I went over to see her today, and her new little daughter. She's beautiful. If I had a girl, that's exactly what she'd look like...haha!

But holding her, I realized a few things...and I broke down in tears right then and there. My baby is finally weaning. And here I am holding another baby, that isn't mine, that means SO much to me. And I knew that I was doing the right thing. It opened another chapter in my book of life. It's my moment to move on and help other moms have that same wonderful experience I had with my boys.

I'm sad...and hopeful. I hope that helping other moms will bring them that happiness. I also hope it will bring me a happiness that I'll be losing when he weans.

I've just given SO very much of my life to breastfeeding, and knowing that it's coming to a close is devastating to me. So I'm proud to turn that page, and bring that happiness to the other moms.

I mean...I know I've helped a LOT of moms, but for some reason, my friend and her baby just mean SO much to me. And I really hope I can continue to help her through everything she needs.

Oh...and I want another baby. I can't have anymore, so I'm thinking it's time for my husband to have an affair. I don't care about the woman...I just want the baby...LOL.

And, yes...I'm totally kidding.

Compare

Now that I've been back to Chicago, there's a few things I'd like to compare with living there, and living in Texas. Now, granted, all of TX isn't like all of Chicago, but this just a few things that I'm thinking about. Also, keep in mind that I stayed in the 'burbs, too, so it wasn't like downtown Chicago...although, there's not much difference, IMO.

Walking. In Chicago, you can walk out your front door, and just go for a walk. There's a sidewalk right outside your door, and you can walk as far as you'd like. And chances are you can walk to wherever it is you'd like to go, too. There's NO sidewalks where I live, so you have to actually get in the car, drive to where you'd like to walk, and drive home when you're done. And something as close as a mile away requires vehicular transportation as well.

Biking. You can go for a bike ride in Chicago, too. Just jump on the bike, and go. You can ride down the side streets, and not (really) worry about getting run over. You can ride your bike to the bike trail, and go as long as you'd like. In TX, you have to pack the bike in the van, drive to the bike (walk) trail, unpack the bike, ride for a mile, get back in the van, and drive home. Not worth the mile that you can ride. And since the speed limit is high out here, you can't just ride down the street, lest you get yourself killed. So much for family outings...

Activities. How about heading to the park? In Chicago, you walk to the closest park, which chances are, there are at least 2 or 3 within a mile of your home. In TX, you have to pack the kids, pack everything you need, drive at leave 5 or so miles to the closest playground, and, if you aren't exhausted by this time, let the kids play before packing them up to drive back home.

How about a museum? Well, you have to take a train or pay for parking in Chicago, but the museums are 100x's more interesting and educational (and fun) than in Texas. Plus, there are a LOT of them. Children's museums, Science museums, zoo's, etc., etc., etc. In Texas, (at least where I am) you have to drive there (there's not actually PUBLIC transportation out here...lol), but it's so far that the price of gas is comparable to the price of parking in Chicago.

Grass. Yes, grass. It's amazing how much of that there is in Chicago...and how wonderful it is to walk barefoot in it. The grass is plush, it's soft, there's not "stickers" or fire ant mounds. You can lay down in the grass, look up at the sky, and just watch the clouds go by. You just can't do that here. The grass is itchy, there's pokey things that stick to your feet, and you'll get attacked by the fire ants...and their bites BURN!!

Food. Sorry, Texas...but the food SUCKS out here. Chicago has THE best pizza in the world. Seriously. And they deliver it to your door (I live just outside the ONE pizza place that delivers in my area...sigh). "Chicago Style Pizza" isn't real Chicago Style in Tx...it's AWFUL!!! And there's REAL Italian food. And Gyro's. Not Gy-ros. Gyros. And they freaking ROCK! And, seriously..there's nothing like a hot dog from Gene and Judes. It's Vienna Beef. You can't beat that. Oh--and Italian Beef. It is BY FAR the best in Chicago. They don't even HAVE that in East Texas...at least, not that I can find. And there's a HUGE difference in Chinese food.

On the other hand...Groceries are expensive as hell in Chicago. I was SHOCKED to see a loaf of bread for $3. And milk is like $5 a gallon! What is up with that? Then there's the price of gas...wow!! And housing...Holy Cow is right!! I have twice the home for half the price here in Tx. Traffic is a nightmare out there, too! It takes a good 30 minutes to drive 5 miles in Chicago...NOT during rush hour. I can drive 30 miles in 5 minutes out here..well, almost. But the speed limit is 70 around here. And the local "busy streets" are 50 mph or so.



Finally, Chicago has my sister...And the Cubs. And Texas has...no snow.

Family

is crazy.

I'm sad that my family doesn't like me. They aren't used to kids, so this is hell for them. I knew I should have stayed in a hotel. I'm leaving tomorrow, because it's just too much for everyone.

And my friends suck. Seriously. My "best friend" couldn't see me because she had a blind date. Well, have a nice time with him, I'm only in town once a freaking YEAR. And I realize that I'm a bit far from your house, but I just drove 1,000 miles, you think you could maybe give an inch? No, well the hell with you then.

I did have a good time with my cousin and her kids. And I hope to see grandma tomorrow, too.

It's sad, because I felt so happy when I got up here. Now, I'm crying.

Update

Just a quick update, because I don't have much time. My computer crashed, so my darling hubby got me a new laptop. Which, of course, means that I've lost all my setting and saved favorites. So all my buddies need to send me links again, so I can find your blogs and pages and what-nots.

Also, I'm super-duper busy. I'm hoping I can catch up on my reading for the one class tomorrow. If I can do that, I can start my study thing for next week, and try to be on time starting Monday.

The week after is ridiculous. I have 18 million books to read, and I'll be on vacation, so I may end up taking a zero in my class--dammit.

On a positive note, my hubby will be home on Monday, so when I go in for my eye exam, I won't have to drive home completely blind from the drops. I bet I'll need a new Rx and glasses, though...sigh. I think my oldest will need bifocals, though, which bothers the heck outta me.

Oh, and June 6 was my dad's birthday. He died 12 years ago. I miss him.

Found

I was surprised to have a friend find me on facebook. It was someone I remember often, but not someone I'd ever thought of talking to again. When we used to talk, I had a nickname for him, and, for the life of me, I couldn't remember his real last name.

But, surprisingly, he remembered me. And I was his first friend on facebook, too. Of course, I'm sure I'm not the first he requested, but still...

Anyway, it was just nice to "see" this person again, and chit-chat a bit. If nothing else, it made me happy...and, even smile.

Strange

I had a strange dream the other day. I don't often dream, but when I do, I try to take note of it. I think, usually, I dream when I'm really struggling with things, or when I'm so exhausted that I actually sleep. This was a strange dream, and because of that, I decided to actually write it down. So, I'm sharing it here. It was kind of all over the place, so it doesn't flow well, like a story would. Either way, I wrote it down. Lemme know what you think.

I was in a (mall/hospital?).

My SIL was getting arrested (for what?) She was handcuffed and talking to the police officer. There was a woman who was writing the ticket (not an officer) and a crowd gathering and watching what was going on. I was yelling and cursing at the officer and the lady for arresting my SIL. My SIL was embarrassed at the way I was behaving, as was I (after a while). The ticket-writing woman was getting snippy and pulling the “attitude” with me. They walked my SIL down the hall with handcuffs on and took her to prison.

I walked down the hall with my mom, who wasn’t feeling well. She sat down, and I called a doctor over to help. They admitted her into the hospital. She didn’t want to stay, so we left the room.

I had a breakdown, I couldn’t take anymore stress. They admitted ME into the hospital, where they gave me medication and sent me on my way.

I met with my mom again, and she was getting arrested. She had another episode of not feeling well, so they admitted her back into the hospital.

I walked down the hall and sat on the stairs. I saw a friend (ca) walk out of his office. He was walking with a co-worker of his, but looked up and saw me. I motioned that I needed just a few minutes to talk, but he shook his head no. Seeing that I really needed a shoulder to cry on, he explained to his co-worker he’d be back in a moment. He took a few minutes to talk with me anyway, which meant a lot. We hugged, and I told him quickly what was going on, and started crying. He held me close for a while and comforted me. It meant a lot to me. However, he had to go to back to work. He was clearly upset because he had to leave.

I called my husband to come get me, and help me work all this out. He drove to the (hospital/mall?). We decided to meet in the parking lot. There was a picnic bench under a tree. We sat and talked a while, when he went back to the car to get something. He left his phone behind, and I sat there waiting for him to come back.

Meanwhile, a couple of guys came up, threw their backpacks on the table, and sat down to talk. They made a big commotion about it, and tried mixing up their backpacks in an effort to confuse me. They were trying to steal our phones, but in the end, I was able to move the backpacks and outsmart them. I picked up both phones, told them not to mess with me, and walked toward the parking lot. They left me alone after that.

While I was walking, there was a black man—acting drunk or stoned or something, and asking me for something. I wanted to get away from him, but he was persistent and wouldn’t leave me alone. He kept getting closer and closer until he was “on top” of me (meaning, just in my space).

I called for my husband, who was now in his car. He drove around, and then right past me. I thought he was going to stop and pick me up and save me, but he just kept driving. He saw I needed him, but he just ignored me. I couldn’t call him (I still had his phone), so I kept running to get away from this guy.

I tried to hide in a school bus; I got in and tried to keep the doors closed with my feet while he pushed and pounded on them. He walked toward the back, and opened the emergency exit, and I left the bus. Of course, he was standing right there. I pushed him away and walked around the other side of the bus, where an officer was standing. I told him that I was trying to get this guy away from me, that he was following me and bugging me and I needed (the officer) to listen to me. The strange guy said I was over-reacting, and that we knew each other. I was begging the officer to listen to me and believe what I was saying. The officer finally asked why he should believe me, and the drunken guy straighten up and they both started laughing. They were in this together—they were from the “probation office” (or something) and keeping an eye on me because of my SIL’s arrest.

So, they left me alone.

I went back into the hospital to try to find my mom. I walked up to the surgery desk, and asked about her. They sent me to the admitting desk. They looked it up for me, and said that she had been admitted, she’s staying the night, and that she had a heart attack. They said that they were doing (some sort of specific heart surgery).

I went back outside, found a grassy hill, and sat down. I thought about everything that was going on, and decided to call my friend. (The same friend that had to get back to work) As I was dialing, I heard a noise behind me, turned to look, and saw a man jump out at me, ready to attack.

I screamed (out loud) and woke up. (And screamed so loud I woke up my husband, too!)

Bummed

I'm feeling kinda down today. Not for any particular reason, exactly, just because. I think it's that the days are so long now, and there's nothing really to look forward to. At least while I was in school, I had a reason to get up and showered and dressed and out the door. Now I don't have that. I mean, yeah, I get up, and I'm doing a great job cleaning the house and getting things together, but I need a purpose.
School doesn't start until June 1. That's a couple of weeks...and they are going to be internet classes, so I won't really have a place to go. My meetings are still only once a month, although that will change in July--then it will be 2x's a month.
I'm not really going anywhere with the kids until June, because they need to get their stuff together first, and, quite frankly, we're a bit short on money this month.
I really need to get out of the house, I guess. I don't really have any close friends around here. I can't go out with my hubby without hiring a sitter. I don't really have anyone to call, so I can't just sit and chit-chat with someone.
And, my inbox is empty...

Grades

Whoo-hoo!

I got an A in my World Religion course! I knew I'd do well, but it helps to have great grades for my transcript. I'll have a better chance at a grant later on! Also, I got my geology grade back. When I started taking the class, I figured I'd aim for a C. I just need to pass. As I studied and studies and studied, I realized that I could actually pull off a B in the class. How exciting! I looked at my grades, though, and got something I wasn't expecting at all...

An "A".

Yippeee! I'm so proud of me! I worked really hard for my grades, and I surprised myself.

I'm feeling better every day now, too. I actually cleaned the tub the other day. It's been, well...a LONG time since I've done that. It felt really good. I've been cleaning my kitchen today, and I feel much better about it. I'm not doing it begrudgingly, I'm actually enjoying myself. It's relaxing and calming, and I feel good.

I'm sure I'll be able to keep up, too, if I get back with FlyLady. She's helped me a LOT in the past, and (until I stopped caring about things) I had a clean house that was organized, decluttered, and nice. I wasn't stressed, and I'm MUCH nicer when my house is clean!! (I guess it's the perfectionist in me!)

I was finally able to clean out my van, too. Since it's HUGE (it's a 12-passenger), it's really hard to do, and I need HOURS to wash the covers and re-do the carseats and all that stuff. I did that on Mother's Day, at my mom's house. I had a wonderful time, too. The boys helped me, and we didn't argue or fight. In fact, we had a lot of FUN! It was great!

We're actually thinking of getting a pet, too. Not a dog or cat--I can't deal with all that. Maybe a fish. You can flush those if something happens...and they are SUPER easy to care for. If our last one survived the move, we would still have him. Yep, a fish is good.

Our vacation to Chicago is off, however. We were planning on going in June. My sister is crushed, and I feel awful for that. BUT, instead of going and rushing for a week in June, we're planning on going and staying for a couple weeks in November. We'll have more time, and more fun, and I can see more family and friends. The weather will suck, but we'll survive.

So, that's it for now. The older boys come home today (they've been at my moms for a week) and my mother is spending the night. We're going shopping tonight, and then cleaning my house tomorrow. Hopefully we'll have a nice time together, too.

And, I flaked a bit on my orders for my van stickers. I ordered a door magnet (advertising my group) but put my husbands phone number on it. Sigh. Now I have to re-order them with MY number. It's only $5, but still...very annoying.

Off to finish the kitchen now.

Retirement

My husband has decided it is time to retire. He will have been in the Air Force for 20 years come the end of December. It has been, for years now, the plan for him to retire, and me to go back to work. He has taken care of us for over 10 years, and will become a SAHD (stay at home dad)...something we both want for our family. I have taken care of the family and home for over 10 years, and it is time for me to follow my career...something I've been preparing for and wanting for a long time.

I have spent the time with my babies, watching them grow and nursing them, and guiding them into this stage of their lives. Now that they are almost all in school, and nearly weaned, it is time for me to move onto the next part of our lives.

I will, at best, have an associates degree that is, essentially, useless in the workforce. I haven't worked in over a decade. I have to write a non-existent resume. In an economy that is in the toilet, I have to try to prove myself to an employer that probably isn't hiring. A few years ago, I couldn't get hired at WalMart. Everyone can get a job at WalMart--except me. And I'll have to put off school after December, too.

With my husband retiring, we will lose a paycheck, free medical insurance, life insurance, dental...all of that "important" stuff. This is especially worrisome because we have one child with serious medical issues, and 3 others that, well, can't go without insurance. I'm also thinking of having the last of a couple surgeries that I need in the next few months as well. I don't know if I'll be able to have them that quickly, but I'll have to try. I'll lose my medical as well. I have a few chronic conditions that can't be left untreated, but they will have to, now.

We can pay for insurance, but with virtually no paycheck, that will be much harder. And, because most of us have pre-existing conditions, we either won't qualify, or will have to pay FAR more than the "normal" person.

Of course, we could put our one son on disability. He's qualified before, and benefited from it, but we go to a point where we didn't need it anymore, so discontinued using it. And I HATE having to ask for help from, or answer to the government (of course, if they actually took care of the people that served and their families, this wouldn't be an issue, but that's opening a whole 'nother can o' worms).

And my husband will be on disability through the VA. Although, there's a good chance he'll still be able to work. Which, given the right opportunity, we could both pull off working. Even with him working full time, he would still be home more than he was before.

There's just SO much change about to happen. I'm worried. We knew this was coming, and have tried to prepare for it, but I just don't think we've done enough. We will deplete all our savings within a few months, unless his retirement check comes in on time, which, knowing the military, is quite unlikely.

Is this really the right time for him to be retiring? Well, yes. He has to. Yes, there are stipulations about staying longer than 20 years, and it is possible...for some. It isn't an option for us, so we're going to make due with what we can.

Its a scary thing, change. But hopefully everything will work out for the best. I can only hope that this won't be as difficult and scary as we're making it out to be.

Done

Yeah! I'm done with all my studies for now. As expected, I got an A on my last test and final exam in World Religion. I'm still waiting on my grades from geology, I imagine I got a B in the class. I'm happy with that...science just isn't my thing, and I gave my ALL in that class.

That's all for now, I'm going to finish up what has started off as one of the best weekends ever.

Forgot

Well, I forgot my meds yesterday. Wow...what a difference. I didn't scream and yell, but I felt heavy and weighted down, and very on edge.

I tried taking my kids out, and every single thing they did drove me crazy. And, I only had 2 with me. It was nuts. I won't EVER forget my meds again.

Oh, and for the last two weeks, I've been going to bed around 11:00 or earlier, because I'm SO tired. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep at all. I ended up awake until 4am, and I'm crabby now.

I finished my last WR assignment, and I've studied all that I can for my test and final. My brain is fried, so I think I'm finished studying. I'm sure I'll do well in this class...even with a failed test and/or final. I know enough that I'll get through it. I just want to be done.

Mayish

Geology is finished! Whoo-hoo! I don't know what my grade is yet, but I'm done! I took my final this evening.

I also got my jellyfish report back. When I wrote it, I was still loopy on the meds. In fact, it was day 2 of the meds when I wrote it. Surprisingly, I got my report back, with a 100 on it, and a note that says, "This is really outstanding!"

I don't know why I worry so much.

Oh, yes I do...because I have a zillion other things on my mind, too. Like the meeting in the morning, the fact that the plates and inspection on the car and van are overdue, that I have to pick up Conner's supplies tomorrow, and write a paper for my WR class, and study for a test AND a final for Thursday, etc, etc, etc...

I need to be two people. Either that, or take two pills.

Better

I feel SO much better today. Not wooo-y at all. I think I got enough sleep and enough to eat, and the meds are leveling out.

I'm running errands all day today, and studying when I get home. I have NOTHING to do this evening--no class, no kids things, no going out for anything. That makes me feel better. Now I can totally relax and do nothing. It's great.

I think I'm finally back to normal. Yeah!

...and I just realized it's MAY!

Laughing

I laughed today. I didn't realize that I haven't laughed in a long time, until I found myself laughing today.

Day 6, and so far this week, I've cried twice...but it's just been tears, not sobbing, and I laughed twice. Well, a little yesterday, and a bunch tonight.

It may have been the company, too. I was out with my SIL yesterday, and my niece tonight. Both are fun people.

I'm feeling much better with the meds now. I do still feel nauseous, but only once I have an empty stomach. I don't eat a lot while on the meds, so that's a bit of a problem. Well, it's a good thing, but a problem because if I don't eat, I'm empty, thus the nausea.

I still feel a little woo-ooo-y, but not as bad as in the beginning. I think it comes in waves now. I can tell when it starts to wear off, and then BAM! it hits me again.

I realized something else, too. The days are SO much longer. I guess because I don't spend all day in a panic about what needs to be done, and worrying if I can get it done or not. I also realized that, before my tests, I don't panic and worry about whether I'll pass or not. I used to go crazy worrying about the grade, if I studied enough, if I'd fail, etc. Now, I just went in, took the test, and didn't think about it. It was kinda nice to not be totally stressed about it.

I'm giving the kids this and next week off from home school, because I want to concentrate on my finals next week. I'm not even really worried about them. There's a lot to study, but I'm sure I'll have enough time and I mostly understand everything, so...

I feel really good so far. I hope that the meds can stay working for me, and that I can continue feeling better, and that when I do level out, it's not as bad as it was before.

Friends

I don't like to open up to people. I'm friendly, I talk to everyone, I share stories with people. But it's rare I find a good friend, one that I can really talk to.

I have a few closer friends here in town. We met during the Obama campaign. They are true friends, ones I could go to for anything, and they would help. But they don't really know the real me. They see the part that I want them to see.

I have a few closer friends from my parenting meetings. But, because I'm the leader, they have to only see what I want them to see, too. So, while they know me, they don't know the true me.

I have a friend from high school. We talk all the time. Recently, she called off her wedding and has had other issues with her family. I can tell her anything, and she can tell me anything. We've always been close, and it's hard to see both of us so far away. But, things are changing. I found myself judging her not too long ago. And I know she's not wanting to talk to me as much. And, just when she needed me most, I wasn't able to be there for her...I just had too much on my plate, and couldn't "deal" with her. It's just different when we talk now. I think we're growing apart.

I have another friend from my younger years. But it's hard to talk to him. He's judgmental and mean-spirited. He doesn't support me like a friend should, and talks down to me all the time. I'm really not sure why I continue to talk to him at all. He is, quite frankly, an ass.

I do have one friend that I can share anything with. Sometimes it's hard to talk, but I cherish our friendship.

Sometimes it's hard to hold onto friendships. I don't want things to change...I hope I can hold onto the true friends I have. And I hope that I can be as good a friend to those that have been so great to me.

Floating

I float through time on this medication. It's like I'm here, but I'm not. Everything is moving so fast around me, but I'm moving in slow motion. My arms are heavy, my body is planted on the ground, yet I feel like a bubble, just floating along.

Yeah, Wooo-ooo-y is what I've been calling it.

I hope this levels out soon. I'm not sure I can float through life like this. It's funny...I listen to songs, and I hear them...but there's no emotion to them. I used to smile, or cry, but now...it's just a tune.

Sometimes, I have a tear when I think about things, but I'm not crying a hard cry. And I have a smile when something is funny, but not a big laughter like I used to.

Maybe I am losing a part of me...

Different

Some of you know I'm a screamer. Lately, though, I've been out of control. Until the meds...

This is what just happened:

Kids put a cup of water on the floor and walked away.
I walked into the room, didn't see the cup, and tripped over it, kicking water across the room.

This is what happened next:

me: can someone bring me a towel, please?

child: clean one, or a floor towel?

me: see if you can find a floor one.

child: there's none in here

me: oh, look, there's one.

Not to exciting...not really something to write about, right? Well, it is. Here's why: 4 days ago, here's how that would have went:

me: WHAT THE FUCK? WHO LEFT THE CUP ON THE FLOOR? BRING ME A FUCKING TOWEL NOW!!!

child: I'm looking, I'm looking. Hang on Mom.

me: HURRY UP.

child: I can't find one.

me: JUST BRING ME A FUCKING TOWEL, ANY TOWEL, NOW, GODDAMIT.

add 20 more minutes of me bitching and swearing because I spilled water.

I knew I was a bitch. I knew I was upset. I didn't know how bad it was until I spilled the water today.

Now, I'm ashamed that I'm telling you this, because I don't want to admit how awful a parent I was becoming. No wonder my kids are losing it. No wonder my husband was telling me I was getting out of control. No wonder I couldn't see it.

I'm actually crying now. I was so far gone I didn't even realize it. I was a bad mom, and losing it, and had NO idea. The good thing is that while I'm talking with the kids now, they know I'm listening. They even commented on how there's no yelling in the house now.

I'm glad my doctor saw it. I wasn't asking for help...I still felt I didn't need it. But he was good enough of a doctor to notice I was over the edge. Too bad he's a neurologist and not a PCM. I'm so glad this is working. I don't care about the nausea and side effects...I'm not a bitch anymore.

Loopy

OK, well, yeah. I'm certainly loopy now. This drug is really getting to me. I spend half the day a vegetable, the other half sleeping, and all the time nauseous. I feel like I'm drugged (I don't like that feeling), I'm completely out of it. My husband says I'm out in la-la land somewhere. The doctor said that it will take about 2 weeks to balance itself out, but damn. If I didn't feel sick all day long, I could handle the flakiness. My body feels so heavy. My arms are too heavy to pick up most of the time. I have to use all my effort to walk or move. I feel like I'm forgetting to breathe half the time. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion.

Even my 7 year old noticed it. He said to me earlier, "Mom? Are you OK? You act like you're sick."

The only good thing is that I'm not hungry on this medication. I only eat because I'm nauseous, and I feel like if I ate it would be easier on me.

Yes, I take the pill with food.

I'm wondering if it's just too strong. I don't know. I can't continue feeling like a loon all the time...but let me tell you this...

It's working. I'm not stressed over anything. I'm not sad over anything. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not yelling about anything. It's peaceful in the house. I think hubby and the kids like that I'm not a raving bitch anymore.

And if taking this pill is going to bring harmony to the house, and hopefully to me...I'm all over this!! I just hope I can get past this nausea.

Crazy

I started the Lexipro today. I wasn't expecting it to take effect for a couple of weeks. WOW. I feel loopy. I mean...I'm here, I'm not sad or happy, just here. But I'm loopy as hell. Not as bad as the sleeping pill where I was high as a kite and seeing double and stuff, but kinda wooo-oooo-y. <-- that's a technical term.

So far, I'm liking it, but I don't want to be a zombie. I'm pretty sure that what I am right now. I started it today, Saturday, because I wanted my husband to watch me. So far, I've been gone for 2 hours, and he's gone now...lol. That plan isn't working well. We'll see what happens tonight.

Meanwhile, please forgive EVERY & ANYTHING I say for a while, knowing I'm newly medicated.

While I'm on the subject, I should mention how I've been feeling lately. I've been crying. Over everything. Sad crying. I don't have anyone to talk to, no one to take a few minutes to "escape" with. I used to go out with my SIL, but school is in the way of that now. I used to hang out with my nephew, but he's not around. I used to talk to my friends, even though they lived miles away, but I can't do that anymore. I used to talk with my husband, but I don't even have time for that now. I can't even talk to myself, because I can't find a moment to think.

And things are crazy around here. I mean, I knew that I was stressed, and doing too much. I knew this would be a heavy load. I knew that we would all sacrifice a bit so that I could get through these classes, and so that I could help the kids through school, and everything else...but it's been WAY too much for me.

My husband has been telling me for a while now that I'm over-stressed, and anxious and on edge all the time. Of course, I believed him, but I didn't think it was as bad as it seemed. Then, my doctor told me that I was tense and stressed. Yeah, I thought, but he doesn't know me. So I mentioned it to a friend, who I haven't seen in a couple weeks, and she says, "You just don't see it in yourself". And another friend says, "Sometimes it's hard to know when you are just over the edge".

How bad was I really? I know I was stressed, but I didn't realize it was at the point where I looked stressed, and crazy, and everything. As bad and sad and crazy as I was feeling...it was WORSE? Was it THAT clear to everyone but me? Am I THAT messed up?

Tests

The EEG went well...or, not well...

They put a bunch of stickies on my head then had me close my eyes for the test. They watched me for 20 min, then did a breathing thing for a min or two, then a light thing. With my eyes closed, they flash lights like crazy--slow at first, then faster and faster. There was about 10 sets of lights. The last 4 were bad for me. I actually yelled out a bit during the 3rd to last, and she kept reassuring me, "it's ok, almost done". I was SO dizzy, and I felt like I was going crazy. Of course, the intention of this is to induce a seizure, if you get seizures, so they know what's wrong. He asked me if I've ever had a seizure before (not that I know of), and so, either I'm having mini seizures, or I'm having migraines. Well...duh.

The EMG went well. My husband had me all scared, telling me it would hurt, and that the pins will hurt, and all this crap. I was a nervous wreck. Only in one spot did the pin hurt, my left hand, in the fatty part under the thumb (I failed A&P). The rest was nothing. The electric shocks didn't hurt either, but it wasn't comfortable.

I have to redo the sleep study with oxygen to see how that goes, and I have to have an xray on my neck.

So, with the EMG, EEG, Sleep Study, MRI and blood work, this is what they have for me:

• I have sleep apnea. I woke up 53 times in an hour from either low oxygen or apnea.
  
• I have migraines; I'll be taking meds to deal with them, not prevent them. (or, they are mini-seizures...lol)
  
• I have chronic anxiety; they want to put me on Lexipro (he *claims* I won't gain weight on it-pfft)
• borderline high blood pressure (lack of sleep/stress?); I have to monitor that closely for now.
  
• Carpal tunnel (I have no pain); I can have surgery (not) if I begin to hurt.
• The lymphedema is not as bad as last time.
  
• and, (for those that didn't know), I'm fat. Yes, he made a point to tell me that. Because I needed a bunch of extensive testing to let me know.
  

I think that's it.

Doctor

Tomorrow is the EEG and EMG test. I have to be there first thing in the morning. (ugh 8am, and it's an hour drive).

Hopefully I'll find out the results right away, and also the results to the sleep study (which I think are skewed because of the sleeping pill they gave me--that left me high as a kite for 3 days).

Don't forget to catch up on the last 3 posts.

And, for my sanity, this:

ch 81
Truthful words are not beautiful.
Beautiful words are not truthful.

School

I had an appointment yesterday, with my school's counselor. I have good news, almost all the way around:

• I have 3 classes left. I can take 2 in the summer, one in the fall.
  
• All the classes can be taken online, so I can be home more with my children.
  
• I will be able to graduate in December, as planned.
  
• I have a fantastic GPA. So good that the counselor said, "We don't see grades like this very often...I'll have to check into what needs to be done". While it isn't a 4.0, and could, quite possibly go down (with the grades from the 2 sciences coming in), I will still be able to graduate with honors...
• sort of. Because I transfered near the end of my studies, I won't have enough hours at this school to join the honors ceremony. I could, quite possibly look into graduating from my old school, but I haven't gone there in 5 years. I don't know if they will allow me to graduate there.
  
• Either way, I have a fantastic GPA going into the university. Because of this, there is a STRONG possibility I could earn a $2,000 scholarship toward each semester (so long as I continue pulling good grades).

I have a few things to do to prepare for the next few classes, and for graduation and transferring to the university. I will begin my first list on that note:

1. Find what has happened to my Pell Grant money for the summer classes.
   
2. Schedule an appointment to register for next years Pell Grant.
   
3. Attend "Web Orientation" so I can understand how to take online classes.
4. Begin graduation application process.
   
5. Set up appointment to see counselor at the university.
6. Begin the application process at the university.
   
7. Arrange to have transcripts sent to the university.

And, it will help me to remember this:

Ch. 53

If I have even just a little sense,
I will walk on the main road and my
only fear
will be of straying from it.
Keeping to the main road is easy,
But people love to be sidetracked.

Chaos

It's time I make a list of what needs to be done around my home. I feel like I'm drowning in chaos, and I'm grasping to accomplish just ONE thing around here...the more I try to do, the less that gets accomplished.

Chapter 38
A truly good man does nothing,
Yet leaves nothing undone.
A foolish man is always doing,
Yet much remains to be done.

Just a short time ago, my life wasn't filled with chaos, and there was order in my home. I found this order through "FlyLady". It sounded absurd, at first, that simply cleaning my house would help me find organization and stability in my home...but it did just that. My house was clean, my children were healthy and happy, and any chaos that came at me was something I could handle. I was able to think clearly, there was less stress, yelling, and misery in my home. Now, however, the flybaby has fallen off the flywagon, leaving Chaos and disorder to enter my home.

So, with that, I begin again.

I start with the list, then a list of lists, so as to see what needs to be accomplished, and find the right way to do so. Look forward to a public list, so as to hold myself accountable.

Pride

Finally, some good news. I haven't shared all the bad news that's been going on around here, lest I sound like I'm wallowing in a cesspool of negativity. But, there was finally something good that happened today, and I'd love to share. You'll be the first to know!

As you know, I'm taking a World Religion course. I wrote a paper on two chapters in a book (as per the assignment), along with a cover sheet and glossary (again, as per the assignment). The paper was to be minimum 25 (numbered) sentences (yes, really), based on the book, out of 100 pts. etc., etc., etc. You get the point.

I didn't give much thought to this paper, and was actually disappointed in it because I didn't THROW myself into it like I usually do. In fact, I finished the paper saying something along the lines of "There's more to be said, but I don't really want to write more". Frankly, I was tired, not in the mood for the assignment, and I threw it together the day it was due.

Anyway, I got my paper back today, and I not only got 110/100 (bonus for being awesome!), she asked if she could copy my paper to use for the sample paper in her class. This means my paper was PERFECT!

This whole Wu Wei thing is proving to be true! Wu Wei is the Taoism way of "Work without working", or "Do without doing". The time I spent not stressing, not working too much, not giving it my ALL, proved to be my "best" work. If I had done nothing, it would have been non-existant, had I given it my all, it would have been good, but not good enough. By letting things flow, and taking it easy, I've accomplished great work.

And now I must work on not bragging...or complaining.

From Chapter 43 of the Tao Te Ching:

Hence I know the value of non-action.
Teaching without words and
work without doing
Are understood by very few.

(From Chapter 3, a different version than the one I am reading:

Practice not-doing
and everything will fall into place.


From Chapter 7 of the Tao Te Ching:

Therefore the wise embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
Not boasting,
They receive recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.

Homework

I need to write a report on jellyfish fossils. It's not too difficult, I don't think, but the report is due next week.

I need to write a report on a religious picture. I'll pick something from Taoism, of course. Also due next week.

I need to do a few pages for my geology class, study a bit for my world religion, (all of which is due, of course, next week) and get my kids caught up with homeschooling. We may be moving school throughout the summer as well, due to my lack of organizational skills.

Things are going better around here, except for a few small things.

I also need to work on not being judgmental, and try to find a way to manage anger a bit better.

Memory

Well, I survived the weekend. I had my sleep study, but ended up taking medication to sleep. Ambien CR. I spent the last two days high as a kite. I can't remember Monday or Tuesday, and don't know HOW I survived at all.

I can't tell you how Monday went. I went to school, but don't remember being there at all. I really don't remember Monday at all. Tuesday was a bit better. I do remember being at my meeting, but I don't remember who was there or what we talked about. I did get into 2 bumper-accidents in a parking lot that day. First, I backed into someone's truck. They weren't in the truck, so it was no big deal (I did find him and let him know what happened...he didn't care). The next one, a girl hit me. I figured the guy was so nice, I had to return the favor. I don't really remember it all happening, bu I do know that I was PISSED at the time, and I remember calling my husband and crying about it.

Today was April 8. When I was in high school, there was a boy I dated. He wanted to marry me, but I wasn't interested in him at the time. We joked about how one day we would get married, and he "made" me come up with a date. Knowing that the year 2000 would NEVER happen, I said we'd be married on April 8 of the year 2000. Of course, I didn't marry him. Now, on April 8th of every year, we send each other a "Happy April 8th"...and I think about how GREAT it is that I didn't marry him. I would have totally been miserable, and my life wouldn't be as wonderful as it is right now. Greener grass? Nah, it's as green as it's gonna get right here on my front lawn, thankyouverymuch!

I have to finish out this busy week, then I'm hoping to take a break. My aunt is coming into town on Friday, I hope I get to see her at least once while she's here (she leaves Monday).

That's all for now.

Canceled

My sleep study, that I've been waiting for months to actually have, is going to have to be canceled. It doesn't end until 7am, and I have to be home by 530 am for the kids. The next available appointment isn't until June, and my hubby will be out of town then. So, I feel like I should just forget it. There is SO MUCH red tape to run through to get this moved, that it doesn't even seem worth it to me. BUT, I could have my mom leave her house at 4am (haha) and be here by 5am so someone can watch the kids, get one off to school, and wait until I get home, but..blah.

I'm actually really annoyed. I'm beginning to feel like things are crashing down around me again, and I hate that feeling. he kids are losing it, I'm overwhelmed with things as it is. Here's what I have on my plate this weekend and week, and this is if everything goes as planned.

Friday/Saturday: SERIOUS scrubdown on the house because I found a bug and I need terminex to come in and spray again. First bug since we've moved in 4 years ago. I'm sure it's just something that flew in, but I'm not taking any chances.
Sunday: Sleep study at 8pm overnight.
Monday: Paper due a 6pm for Geology
Report due at 6pm for Geology
Quiz over a 30 page chapter at 6pm in Geology.
Tuesday: It's the first Tuesday of the month, so I have my meeting at 10:00am. I have to spend the weekend planning this meeting, or I'll lose my mind--"winging" this meeting just won't work for me.
The kids start ART classes tonight.
Wednesday: 3 chapter mid-term in Geology. I haven't read the first chapter yet because I'm so busy, so trying to learn and memorize 3 chapters is going to KILL me. Plus, there's an essay, and I don't know anything about anything yet.
Thursday: 2 page report on a reading assignment due at 6pm.
2 oral reports due at 6pm.
And a test over Buddhism at 7pm. I shouldn't have to spend too much time studying that, I usually do well on the tests...and I can afford to screw up royally and I'll still come out with an A in the class.
Friday: Nothing. I don't care if the world falls down around me, I'm not doing ANYTHING on Friday.
Saturday: the kids have a birthday party, but with the way I'm feeling now, I won't be going. My husband can take the kids!

Oh, and my water heater just pooped out on me. That would explain my $70 water bill...sigh. And, it will explain the serious chunk-o-change we gotta come up with in the next week, should we like to take a WARM shower.

Another update: I'm thinking of shaving my head again. Yep...again.

So, yeah, I'm a bit busy.

Endometriosis

Endometriosis is a pain in the ass. Really. I have no other way to describe it. It's cramps, pain, diarrhea, bloating, back pain, cramps, and more cramps. I've spent 2 days hurting pretty bad, and tonight doubled over in pain. Enough pain that I actually cried, and finally took a Darvocet (painkiller).

Endo, for short, started for me years and years ago, and I have, in fact, blogged about it before. I suffered through it as long as possible because I knew I wanted children. 4 pregnancies and a few years of breastfeeding later, I knew I couldn't deal with this anymore. Cue a hysterectomy, and you'd think all would be well.

Not so. Evidently the Endo has spread to other areas of my body. Who knew it could? Anyway, I'm in a tremendous amount of pain right now, and I'm pretty sure the painkiller just kicked in. So this is going to be a short blog, but I still felt the need to write about it.

Here's a video that explains Endo in a very simple way.


Here's more info on Endo, for those that are interested.
I found this part particularly interesting, as I have all but the last of these symptoms:

Pelvic pain

A major symptom of endometriosis is severe recurring pelvic pain. The amount of pain a woman feels is not necessarily related to the extent or stage (1 through 4) of endometriosis. Some women will have little or no pain despite having extensive endometriosis affecting large areas or having endometriosis with scarring. On the other hand, women may have severe pain even though they have only a few small areas of endometriosis. Symptoms of endometriosic-related pain may include:

• dysmenorrhea – painful, sometimes disabling menstrual cramps; pain may get worse over time (progressive pain), also lower back pains linked to the pelvis
• chronic pelvic pain – typically accompanied by lower back pain or abdominal pain
• dyspareunia – painful sex
• dyschezia – painful bowel movements
• dysuria – urinary urgency, frequency, and sometimes painful voiding

Change

Well, my 9 year old has been at my mother's for 4 days now. He hasn't talked about us, doesn't miss us, or anything. We, of course, are dying here. It's really hard without him, but we know he really needed this break. He's feeling much better, and doesn't feel the pressure of life, or the stress of his brothers.

Meanwhile, back at home, we're working on a few things around here. First, we have been working on the attitude of my 10 year old. We're figuring out when he's acting out the most, although we haven't figured out why just yet. Secondly, my 7 year old is working on coping techniques that will make him relax, rather than freak out, when confronted by his bigger and meaner older brother. He's taking to doing Tai Chi with me, and finds it as calming as I do.

Third, we're working on changing the boys' rooms around. We have the big bedroom set up and almost finished. The 10 and 9 year old will share this room, as they really are the ones that get along the best. We moved the 9 year old in there, along with changing his dresser, closet, bookshelf, and a few other things. The 1o year old is there, too, with his mattress (he doesn't have a bed) and his dresser. We've also decided, at least for now, to give them a TV and DVD player on a trial basis.

The other bedroom is a bit harder, but it's coming along. They younger ones have a LOT of toys, many of which I think need to go. This is a bit difficult, because they really seem to play with ALL the toys. I've decided to let them go through the toys and decide what they really want, and not, to make room. Meanwhile I'm weeding out their excess clothes, books, and other nonsense.

Everyone, so far, seems happy about this move. Of course, it will be a surprise for the 9 year old when he comes back. I think the fact that the room is CLEAN will have a huge calming effect, so that will be a bonus. And, the fact that their rooms are clean (or almost clean) is really helping me, too. I'm looking forward to getting them finished, so I can concentrate on getting the rest of the house clean again.

And we just found out that my husband has orders during the summer, so that will mess a LOT of things up. First, he'll be gone for 6 weeks which will be really hard on the kids. Second, I'll be alone, and that makes the summer really hard for me--especially school. Third, our vacation plans are now shot. We won't be able to visit family as planned in June. It's not the end of the world, of course, but it really puts a damper on things. We'll just have to reschedule vacation...or go on it without him (not what I really want to do!)

That's our update for now. Not very exciting, but it's nice to talk about things.

Medicated

So, after all that happened yesterday my husband and I decided on a few things.

We sent our 9 year old to my mothers house. Now granted, she's crazy, too, so I'm not sure it was really the best thing in the world, but I had to do something. At least he'll be away from the craziness that is our house right now.

And, I think I'm figuring this all out.

I really think this is all boiling down to my oldest child. I'm seeing a lot of meanness in him. Not so much anger or anything, but a lot of being a bully. I'm sure it's stemming from the issues he had at school, before I pulled him out, but that's no excuse.

Now, of course, we have this one on a very light dose of medication to help him find a balance. It's a light enough dose that it will calm him down enough to think, act, and do things clearly--without becoming a vegetable. You have to know who I am, and where I come from in my parenting to know that medicating my child is really, the last resort for us and our family.

So far, his medication has been working. We've had to up the minimum dose before, but it's because he's gotten bigger and older. He weighs a lot more than he used to, so it makes sense that it wouldn't be working anymore. Anyway, I think this is what's going on again. He's outgrowing his medication dose at this point, and becoming the "monster" that can't control himself, can't think clearly, and isn't behaving again. He is acting like a jerk to his younger brothers, and it's becoming too much...

And his brothers are paying the price. When this one behaves, there is harmony in our house. there's not stress, there's no bickering, no fighting, no back and forth between the boys. The house is virtually clean, the have a place to go in their room, and everything is fine. But now--it's chaos. Fighting, bickering, arguing, yelling, screaming--it's just too much for anyone to handle.

So, getting the younger one away for a while will help him regroup. It will also give us a chance to really concentrate on getting the oldest one back on tract.

Now, it's not just his fault. The 3rd child, who happens to be 7 years old, is the opposite--and yet, the same. He's realizing that his brothers are getting a LOT of attention because of their behavior. Naturally the "best" thing to do for attention is to behave the same way. Instead of being a "jerk" like the oldest, he's decided to scream longer and louder than any of them. This way he is being heard--and being hushed. We know that we can't react to the misbehavior because that would only reinforce the annoying screeching sounds. So, we look for the positives in his behavior.

So far, so good.

I only wish I could send them ALL away, and re-work on them one at a time. Of course, that's not realistic, but it's nice to dream.



Of course, if we really want to find out why all the boys are misbehaving (well, except for the baby), we have to look deeper into what's going on. I KNOW it's because my husband and I are just so busy lately and they are feeling neglected. My class schedule has changed. I went from one day a week to 3 days a week being gone in the evenings. My husband is working longer hours, looking forward to a possible (and very soon) retirement (sadly, all this "overtime" doesn't bring in any extra money. And soon, I'll be heading back to work, attempting a full time school schedule, and trying to do other things as well. I've put my volunteering on hold for a while (except for my once-a-month meetings) and I've cut out any extra-curricular activities on my part (no more girls' night out's).

Which, of course, makes things a bit harder on us as parents, but once we find our balance again, it will be fine.

Meanwhile, while the 9yo is at grandmas house, the rest of us are going to clean up the boys' rooms, giving each of them their own special place in the house. They have been old enough to keep up with their own rooms, but the chaos of everything hasn't made things very easy. So, with this weekend and starting over, it will really help to have a fresh start for them. I wish we could afford to paint the boys rooms, because that would just make the fresh start really, really great.

You know what else I wish? That I had someone to come help me with the cleanup and chores this weekend. I mean, the boys will help, and my husband will help, but I'm sure they are going to need a bit of "encouragement" to actually get up and moving this weekend.

Public

I have decided to make this a public forum, and I'm sending a few people here. Most of the people that read this can leave a comment--anon or not. I will be reviewing, and quite possibly hiding comments so that others cannot read your comments.

That is, of course, if I can figure out how to do that.

Just know that you won't be the only one to read it, or comment.

Thanks, everyone, for understanding.

Family

Everyone has one in their family. The crazy one. Except my family...I think we only have one "normal" person. The rest of us? Crazy. And not in a silly way--in a "diagnose-able, time to call the doctor, are there any meds I can take? should I be in a hospital?" kinda way.

It's not so bad when your grandparent's have issues. Or your aunts or uncles. Or your mom or dad. Or, even your brothers and sisters. But when they ALL do, and then you have children on top of it, you begin to worry what is going on in the world!


I won't get into the nuttiness of my other 3 children, but I will talk about the son I'm most concerned about today. My second child, 9, has everything wrong with him. He's the real reason I'm writing all this today. There's medical issues, there's learning disabilities, there's developmental delays, and now there's clearly emotional issues, too.

He goes up and down with emotions. He's feeling overwhelmed and depressed. He's tired of having medical problems. he's tired of feeling "stupid". He doesn't want to be a part of this family. He wants to live somewhere else. He doesn't want me as his mother, or my husband as his father. He doesn't want brothers. He wants to move away. He wants to get away.

He's 9. He shouldn't be feeling this at this young an age. He's felt this before, and it comes and goes with him. He's not being mean. It's not an "I hate you" kinda thing...it's a serious depression thing. He's not trying to be hurtful, he's just hurting inside...and he doesn't know what to do about it.

We're trying to talk to him. Trying to understand what is hurting him so much. What could be causing all this pain in a 9 year old? Why would a 9 year old boy not want to live anymore? What could be so bad that his life is so sad?

Tomorrow I'm calling his pediatrician. I'm also going to call the therapist of my oldest child (yep, he's in therapy, too--sigh). Then I'm going to call the crappy insurance that we have to see if they cover Mental Health anywhere around here. I know that a few years ago they didn't...I'm hoping they will now.

It hurts us that our son is hurting so badly. I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to struggle. And part of me knows where this is heading, but doesn't want to accept it. The other part of me knows that this isn't something that we can ignore or brush off as a "kids will be kids" thing. It's deeper than that. I know it is. Especially when you've seen your family going through the same things. And especially when you've felt that nothingness, the emptiness, the complete loneliness and helplessness in yourself before.

I'm a good mom--a great mom. I'm balanced, I'm fair, I advocate for my children. I'm loving, I'm kind, I'm firm, I'm strong. But despite doing everything right, part of me feels like I've failed him. I know, logically, that I haven't, but emotionally it's hard to shake that feeling. I'll do everything that needs to be done to help him, of course, it will just be hard knowing that I couldn't be the one to help him.

He needs help. More than I can give him as his mom. More than we can give him as his parents. More than the counselor can give him. This, I'm afraid, may lead to a hospital stay or mental health clinic "emergency" visit...