New Year.

Well, in 2 days, it'll be a new year. So far, the new decade doesn't seem like it's going to be all that wonderful. In fact, I'm not sure I wanna join it.

Just thinking about it makes me sad.

I'll get a obligatory once-a-year kiss from my husband, at midnight, if we both manage to stay awake that long.

Other than that, I have nothing to look forward to, except standing in line at WIC, SSI, unemployment (with my hubby), and TANF (for welfare) and Food Stamps.

I hate that I'm in this position. I can't find a job.

What was supposed to be full-time turned out to be a VERY part time job--not even 7 hours a week. Of course, I'm keeping it...I need something! I'm applying at every place in town, but everyone is laying off after the holidays.

My hubby isn't trying. He either doesn't give a shit, or doesn't have the energy, or doesn't think it's as serious as it is.

I can't live like this. I feel like I'm failing my family. I'm trying so hard. I'm going back to school for the ONE class I have left. It's two days a week, but only an hour during lunch-time. I WANT to work. I'm looking for whatever I can find. I'm trying.

I'm more and more scared as the days dwindle away, and the bills begin to pile up. So far, nothing is late, but they are due soon. Slowly but surely we will begin to lose everything around us until there is nothing left.

Did I mention I'm sad? I'm struggling with depression something terrible. I hate feeling this way. I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to, and I feel so alone. And that hurts.

Failures

So I've been on this "fail" streak. I'm not quite sure what's been going on, but I've been feeling like I can't do anything right anymore, and it's bugging me. I have a 4.0 gpa, and I've failed my last two finals, dropped a class, and ended up with a C in my last two classes...Fail. . I was talking to my hubby about it, and he says, "Well, I told you to study".

No shit. Like I didn't think about that you dipshit-asshat. Of course, I didn't actually call him that, but I wanted to. I'm not in the mood for fighting right now, I guess because I'm feeling down, and at the time I was heading out the door.

I have one class left, and because I forgot to sign up for early registration, the last class I have to take for graduation is full. So now I can't graduate..Fail Again, I tell my hubby about it, and he says, "Well, you need to get on the ball".

No shit. And he needs to get on the ball with this GI transfer, so I can have money to go to school. Now, I'm not pushing for him to give me his GI money, he did rightfully earn and work for it, and if he plans on using it, it's there for him to use. However, he said he WANTS to give it to me. He HAS to transfer it before he officially retires, which is January 1st. Times a ticking, sweetheart...but you don't see me nagging, jerkass.

Then there's my group. I had to stop my enrichment meetings, because NO ONE has been showing up for the last 6 months. So, that feels like a fail to me, too. Also, because I'm doing this all on my own, it's really hard to keep up with things. I'm also having a hard time because there was a "glitch" with the transfer from the last person "in charge" and me with the bank account. Basically I have no access to the funds (which isn't but $50 anyway, but I need it to pay fees).

Like a dumbass, I mention that, because I'm really feeling down about it. This is really the hardest on me, because this is what I LOVE to do. Even though I don't get paid to do this, this is where my passion is (duh). This is why I'm here, this is my calling, and this is where my heart is. In the midst of pouring my heart out about feeling like I've failed with the group, he CUTS ME OFF, and says,

"I'm so fucking tired of hearing about _ _ _ "

Now I'm in tears. That one really stung. I'm actually pissed and hurt and everything. We seem to have a major argument about once a year, and I'm thinking that this is going to be the start of one. He doesn't see how much this hurt me. I didn't argue or anything, I just teared up, told him that really hurt me, and walked away. He got defensive, told me that I should feel like a failure, because I can't force people to come to meetings, and huffed off.

But that's not the point. It's not about the meetings, the grades, or all of that. It's about the fact that I'm struggling. That for some reason, things are going downhill and becoming much more difficult for me, and I'm having a difficult time accepting it. It's about the fact that he's not being supportive.

men should be required to take a feelings course.

I don't know what's going on with me. I'm not sure if it's because these classes are online, if it's the meds that are making me think not as clearly, or if it's because I just don't give a shit anymore. I just want my freaking AA so I can move on already. I've been working toward this for 8 years now...I'm tired of it!!! (one class a semester will do that to ya...lol).

Quite honestly, I'm sick of the kids, I'm sick of being at home, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm trapped in the house. I LIKE being out of the house. I LIKE going to my meetings. I LIKE going to work and school. I LIKE getting up and dressed and getting out of the house. I feel important again, and useful. When the kids were babies, and needed me and were nursing, They needed me, and I needed them...and I felt important to them then. But now, they don't need me that way, and that's ok. They aren't nursing (The "baby" only once a week or so now) and the boys are older now. It's time for a new chapter. I'm ready to embrace it and move on.

I don't mind my hubby being at home, so long as I can make enough money to support us (I can't right now). If he doesn't mind homeschooling the boys, I don't mind them staying home during the day. It's been our plan for us to "switch places" all along (I was supposed to be finished and have my BSW by now, though, and I'm WAY behind).

My hubby doesn't like change, and he's resisting though...I'm looking forward to it, but I'm REALLY afraid of finances. We don't ever argue about money, but it's never been this tight before, so I'm really scared.

Sorry to unload here, it really feels good to just let it all out without feeling judged or getting yelled at. I love y'all!