I'm sick of seeing "Happy New Year". No, it's not. It may be for you, but it's not for me. So, shut up.
And, It's just another day. Nothing special happens because the numbers flip to a new "year". So, shut up.
Yes, I'm in a bad mood.
Right now, I'm hating my life. I wanna be depressed, angry, hateful, spiteful, and sad. Leave me to it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm also feeling empty, alone and miserable, too.
And, for what it's worth, the only thing "keeping me going", as they say, is the fact that the kids open presents in the morning. Otherwise, I have nothing to look forward to. AT ALL.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
New Year.
Well, in 2 days, it'll be a new year. So far, the new decade doesn't seem like it's going to be all that wonderful. In fact, I'm not sure I wanna join it.
Just thinking about it makes me sad.
I'll get a obligatory once-a-year kiss from my husband, at midnight, if we both manage to stay awake that long.
Other than that, I have nothing to look forward to, except standing in line at WIC, SSI, unemployment (with my hubby), and TANF (for welfare) and Food Stamps.
I hate that I'm in this position. I can't find a job.
What was supposed to be full-time turned out to be a VERY part time job--not even 7 hours a week. Of course, I'm keeping it...I need something! I'm applying at every place in town, but everyone is laying off after the holidays.
My hubby isn't trying. He either doesn't give a shit, or doesn't have the energy, or doesn't think it's as serious as it is.
I can't live like this. I feel like I'm failing my family. I'm trying so hard. I'm going back to school for the ONE class I have left. It's two days a week, but only an hour during lunch-time. I WANT to work. I'm looking for whatever I can find. I'm trying.
I'm more and more scared as the days dwindle away, and the bills begin to pile up. So far, nothing is late, but they are due soon. Slowly but surely we will begin to lose everything around us until there is nothing left.
Did I mention I'm sad? I'm struggling with depression something terrible. I hate feeling this way. I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to, and I feel so alone. And that hurts.
Just thinking about it makes me sad.
I'll get a obligatory once-a-year kiss from my husband, at midnight, if we both manage to stay awake that long.
Other than that, I have nothing to look forward to, except standing in line at WIC, SSI, unemployment (with my hubby), and TANF (for welfare) and Food Stamps.
I hate that I'm in this position. I can't find a job.
What was supposed to be full-time turned out to be a VERY part time job--not even 7 hours a week. Of course, I'm keeping it...I need something! I'm applying at every place in town, but everyone is laying off after the holidays.
My hubby isn't trying. He either doesn't give a shit, or doesn't have the energy, or doesn't think it's as serious as it is.
I can't live like this. I feel like I'm failing my family. I'm trying so hard. I'm going back to school for the ONE class I have left. It's two days a week, but only an hour during lunch-time. I WANT to work. I'm looking for whatever I can find. I'm trying.
I'm more and more scared as the days dwindle away, and the bills begin to pile up. So far, nothing is late, but they are due soon. Slowly but surely we will begin to lose everything around us until there is nothing left.
Did I mention I'm sad? I'm struggling with depression something terrible. I hate feeling this way. I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to, and I feel so alone. And that hurts.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Failures
So I've been on this "fail" streak. I'm not quite sure what's been going on, but I've been feeling like I can't do anything right anymore, and it's bugging me. I have a 4.0 gpa, and I've failed my last two finals, dropped a class, and ended up with a C in my last two classes...Fail. . I was talking to my hubby about it, and he says, "Well, I told you to study".
No shit. Like I didn't think about that you dipshit-asshat. Of course, I didn't actually call him that, but I wanted to. I'm not in the mood for fighting right now, I guess because I'm feeling down, and at the time I was heading out the door.
I have one class left, and because I forgot to sign up for early registration, the last class I have to take for graduation is full. So now I can't graduate..Fail Again, I tell my hubby about it, and he says, "Well, you need to get on the ball".
No shit. And he needs to get on the ball with this GI transfer, so I can have money to go to school. Now, I'm not pushing for him to give me his GI money, he did rightfully earn and work for it, and if he plans on using it, it's there for him to use. However, he said he WANTS to give it to me. He HAS to transfer it before he officially retires, which is January 1st. Times a ticking, sweetheart...but you don't see me nagging, jerkass.
Then there's my group. I had to stop my enrichment meetings, because NO ONE has been showing up for the last 6 months. So, that feels like a fail to me, too. Also, because I'm doing this all on my own, it's really hard to keep up with things. I'm also having a hard time because there was a "glitch" with the transfer from the last person "in charge" and me with the bank account. Basically I have no access to the funds (which isn't but $50 anyway, but I need it to pay fees).
Like a dumbass, I mention that, because I'm really feeling down about it. This is really the hardest on me, because this is what I LOVE to do. Even though I don't get paid to do this, this is where my passion is (duh). This is why I'm here, this is my calling, and this is where my heart is. In the midst of pouring my heart out about feeling like I've failed with the group, he CUTS ME OFF, and says,
"I'm so fucking tired of hearing about _ _ _ "
Now I'm in tears. That one really stung. I'm actually pissed and hurt and everything. We seem to have a major argument about once a year, and I'm thinking that this is going to be the start of one. He doesn't see how much this hurt me. I didn't argue or anything, I just teared up, told him that really hurt me, and walked away. He got defensive, told me that I should feel like a failure, because I can't force people to come to meetings, and huffed off.
But that's not the point. It's not about the meetings, the grades, or all of that. It's about the fact that I'm struggling. That for some reason, things are going downhill and becoming much more difficult for me, and I'm having a difficult time accepting it. It's about the fact that he's not being supportive.
men should be required to take a feelings course.
I don't know what's going on with me. I'm not sure if it's because these classes are online, if it's the meds that are making me think not as clearly, or if it's because I just don't give a shit anymore. I just want my freaking AA so I can move on already. I've been working toward this for 8 years now...I'm tired of it!!! (one class a semester will do that to ya...lol).
Quite honestly, I'm sick of the kids, I'm sick of being at home, and I'm sick of feeling like I'm trapped in the house. I LIKE being out of the house. I LIKE going to my meetings. I LIKE going to work and school. I LIKE getting up and dressed and getting out of the house. I feel important again, and useful. When the kids were babies, and needed me and were nursing, They needed me, and I needed them...and I felt important to them then. But now, they don't need me that way, and that's ok. They aren't nursing (The "baby" only once a week or so now) and the boys are older now. It's time for a new chapter. I'm ready to embrace it and move on.
I don't mind my hubby being at home, so long as I can make enough money to support us (I can't right now). If he doesn't mind homeschooling the boys, I don't mind them staying home during the day. It's been our plan for us to "switch places" all along (I was supposed to be finished and have my BSW by now, though, and I'm WAY behind).
My hubby doesn't like change, and he's resisting though...I'm looking forward to it, but I'm REALLY afraid of finances. We don't ever argue about money, but it's never been this tight before, so I'm really scared.
Sorry to unload here, it really feels good to just let it all out without feeling judged or getting yelled at. I love y'all!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Surgery
Ok, wow! I can't believe I found the blog again. Stupid computer crashing stuff.
Anyway, here's the "quick" version of what happened.
First, I found blood in my urine. And, like all people, I figured if I ignored it, it would go away. Then it got worse. Still, I ignored it. FF a month later, I'm feeling some pain in the front--about where my ovary is.
Eventually I convince myself to call the dr.
He gets blood tests, emergency U/S and x-rays, and he's still not sure, so he sends me to a urologist (or is it an urologist? If it's a vowel, but it "sounds" like "y", then...well, never mind).
Meanwhile, he puts me on vicodin. Of course, I don't like taking meds, so I fill the rx, and stuff it in the cabinet for later.
2 days later, I'm crying and can't stand the pain anymore. Vicodin, here I come.
I see the urologist and he sends me for an immediate catscan.
There was one 5mm kidney stone at the end of my ureter, almost to my bladder. It *may* have passed, had the 7mm kidney stone not come in behind it, to block off all flow of urine, and any chance of me passing that. Even if the 7mm was pushed down because of the urine pressure, it would have been stopped by the 5mm...so the chances of me passing them was slim to none.
They tell me I'm having surgery in the morning.
FF past all the insurance BS, and I'm laying in the pre-op room, having a panic attack, when they decide to let me know that they need to put a stint in.
The stint goes from my kidney through my ureter, into my bladder--curling on both ends. It hurts like freaking HELL...far worse than the kidney stones did.
Add a few days of massive pain--enough that I almost overdosed on painkillers and had to call my 16 yo niece in to babysit me while I try not to die.
The surgery was August 27th. The doctor tells me 2 weeks, and he can take it out, and lets me know that the next week (week of sept 1-4) he'll be out of town. So, that means I should get the stint out Sept 10 I had an appt for the 9th...twice, but they rescheduled me (once for 9am, then they moved it to 330pm). Then they scheduled me for Monday, the 14th. That was canceled yesterday, and is now set for Sept 21.
But I'm not sure I can make that, even.
So, I'm out of meds, in fucking pain, pissed at everyone, and ready to go off on someone.
Anyway, here's the "quick" version of what happened.
First, I found blood in my urine. And, like all people, I figured if I ignored it, it would go away. Then it got worse. Still, I ignored it. FF a month later, I'm feeling some pain in the front--about where my ovary is.
Eventually I convince myself to call the dr.
He gets blood tests, emergency U/S and x-rays, and he's still not sure, so he sends me to a urologist (or is it an urologist? If it's a vowel, but it "sounds" like "y", then...well, never mind).
Meanwhile, he puts me on vicodin. Of course, I don't like taking meds, so I fill the rx, and stuff it in the cabinet for later.
2 days later, I'm crying and can't stand the pain anymore. Vicodin, here I come.
I see the urologist and he sends me for an immediate catscan.
There was one 5mm kidney stone at the end of my ureter, almost to my bladder. It *may* have passed, had the 7mm kidney stone not come in behind it, to block off all flow of urine, and any chance of me passing that. Even if the 7mm was pushed down because of the urine pressure, it would have been stopped by the 5mm...so the chances of me passing them was slim to none.
They tell me I'm having surgery in the morning.
FF past all the insurance BS, and I'm laying in the pre-op room, having a panic attack, when they decide to let me know that they need to put a stint in.
The stint goes from my kidney through my ureter, into my bladder--curling on both ends. It hurts like freaking HELL...far worse than the kidney stones did.
Add a few days of massive pain--enough that I almost overdosed on painkillers and had to call my 16 yo niece in to babysit me while I try not to die.
The surgery was August 27th. The doctor tells me 2 weeks, and he can take it out, and lets me know that the next week (week of sept 1-4) he'll be out of town. So, that means I should get the stint out Sept 10 I had an appt for the 9th...twice, but they rescheduled me (once for 9am, then they moved it to 330pm). Then they scheduled me for Monday, the 14th. That was canceled yesterday, and is now set for Sept 21.
But I'm not sure I can make that, even.
So, I'm out of meds, in fucking pain, pissed at everyone, and ready to go off on someone.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Offended
So recently people have been telling me that I'm too "pushy" about breastfeeding. That I'm trying to "shove breastfeeding down their throats". That is the LAST thing I do. I post what I like, on my page, and if you like to look at it, you look. if you don't, skip over it. I do it all the time with other people's posts. I don't, and haven't ever, told someone that they MUST breastfeed or anything like that. And I've never put down another mother for anything she's done (assuming, of course, that she isn't putting her child in harms way...and even then, I comment respectfully so she won't shut me out).
Anyway, I was feeling really offended by people being offended, for the FIRST time in my life. So I talked to a few friends. And, I wrote this note to everyone:
To those that are offended...and those that are not
Many of you have noticed my recent posting of various breastfeeding awareness materials. To most that know me, this isn’t out of the ordinary. Nor are the postings offensive or excessive. But to some, they appear to be.
Seeing how I’ve been passionate about breastfeeding for over 11 years, and how my passion has grown over the years, the comments that people say to me leave me unaffected…until now. Over the years, there hasn’t been one thing someone has said to me that has made me angry, upset, or otherwise defensive of my postings or my position on breastfeeding. Then again, the people that commented were virtual strangers, uneducated (specifically about breastfeeding), and people that didn’t matter to me. And those that did know me understood me and knew that this was who I was. If they were troubled, they came to me with a civil discussion about anything that seemed bothersome to them.
Suddenly, however, there are people coming out of the woodwork, expressing their distaste in my postings. It seems some people are expressively (publicly and privately) disturbed by them. Most people that have expressed their distaste have done so in a polite, understanding, and non-confrontational way, but nevertheless…their words began to sting.
And I started to doubt myself.
For the first time in years, I let the comments get to me.
In response I turned to my closest friends; those that would tell me if I was over-doing it. Was I posting too much? Were my posts offensive? Why would everyone (really, it was just a select few) come to me around the same time? And WHY did I feel the need to defend myself? These are the friends that would be brutally honest, and in a way that I can appreciate.
And they reminded me who I was. They reminded me what I stood for. They reminded me that I needn’t justify MY convictions to others. They reminded me that MY page is for MY expression. And they reminded me that, for all I do, if I help just ONE mom, I am making a difference. In all my years of advocacy, making a difference to just one family has all I ever wanted to do.
So I went back a few years. I broke out my old journals. The ones that I wrote to help other mothers. The ones that I posted because I had SO MANY mothers coming to me for help that I couldn’t keep up. The journals that expressed my enthusiasm in helping breastfeeding families. The journals that I posted publicly so that every woman could see them (not just those that already had my help). The journals that I wrote with all the love and conviction that was inside me.
And then, I saw them…
The “Thank You” from the mom that was ready to give up.
The “Thank You” from the mom that didn’t know where to turn.
The “Thank You from the mom that wasn’t sure if she could do it.
The “Thank You” from the moms that I didn’t know.
The “Thank You” from the mom that wasn’t looking for help, but found it anyway…And
The “Thank You” from the mom that was too embarrassed to ask for help, but got the help she needed because of my post.
THAT is why I do what I do.
THAT is why I post my pictures.
THAT is why I post articles.
THAT is why I will NOT justify my postings anymore.
THAT is why I will continue to do this, and
THAT is why I will NOT ever doubt myself again.
I love what I do. I have devoted my life to helping women who want to breastfeed. I give my all so that other women can have a wonderful breastfeeding experience. I don’t expect everyone to understand…it’s something that only a nursing woman can understand. And, even then, there’s just a select few that can come close to understanding. I do, however, expect everyone to understand that this is my passion…and I will continue to offer my help to EVERY woman that needs and wants help. And, if I cannot help you, I will help find someone that can.
To those that are offended, I offer my apologies. Not because what I do is wrong or offensive or distasteful. Instead, I apologize because you cannot see what I do as wonderful.
To those of you that find encouragement and enthusiasm in my posts, I thank you. It is because of you that I continue on this journey through life. Your support and words of thanks are my encouragement. YOU are MY inspiration. For you, I am eternally grateful!
Anyway, I was feeling really offended by people being offended, for the FIRST time in my life. So I talked to a few friends. And, I wrote this note to everyone:
To those that are offended...and those that are not
Many of you have noticed my recent posting of various breastfeeding awareness materials. To most that know me, this isn’t out of the ordinary. Nor are the postings offensive or excessive. But to some, they appear to be.
Seeing how I’ve been passionate about breastfeeding for over 11 years, and how my passion has grown over the years, the comments that people say to me leave me unaffected…until now. Over the years, there hasn’t been one thing someone has said to me that has made me angry, upset, or otherwise defensive of my postings or my position on breastfeeding. Then again, the people that commented were virtual strangers, uneducated (specifically about breastfeeding), and people that didn’t matter to me. And those that did know me understood me and knew that this was who I was. If they were troubled, they came to me with a civil discussion about anything that seemed bothersome to them.
Suddenly, however, there are people coming out of the woodwork, expressing their distaste in my postings. It seems some people are expressively (publicly and privately) disturbed by them. Most people that have expressed their distaste have done so in a polite, understanding, and non-confrontational way, but nevertheless…their words began to sting.
And I started to doubt myself.
For the first time in years, I let the comments get to me.
In response I turned to my closest friends; those that would tell me if I was over-doing it. Was I posting too much? Were my posts offensive? Why would everyone (really, it was just a select few) come to me around the same time? And WHY did I feel the need to defend myself? These are the friends that would be brutally honest, and in a way that I can appreciate.
And they reminded me who I was. They reminded me what I stood for. They reminded me that I needn’t justify MY convictions to others. They reminded me that MY page is for MY expression. And they reminded me that, for all I do, if I help just ONE mom, I am making a difference. In all my years of advocacy, making a difference to just one family has all I ever wanted to do.
So I went back a few years. I broke out my old journals. The ones that I wrote to help other mothers. The ones that I posted because I had SO MANY mothers coming to me for help that I couldn’t keep up. The journals that expressed my enthusiasm in helping breastfeeding families. The journals that I posted publicly so that every woman could see them (not just those that already had my help). The journals that I wrote with all the love and conviction that was inside me.
And then, I saw them…
The “Thank You” from the mom that was ready to give up.
The “Thank You” from the mom that didn’t know where to turn.
The “Thank You from the mom that wasn’t sure if she could do it.
The “Thank You” from the moms that I didn’t know.
The “Thank You” from the mom that wasn’t looking for help, but found it anyway…And
The “Thank You” from the mom that was too embarrassed to ask for help, but got the help she needed because of my post.
THAT is why I do what I do.
THAT is why I post my pictures.
THAT is why I post articles.
THAT is why I will NOT justify my postings anymore.
THAT is why I will continue to do this, and
THAT is why I will NOT ever doubt myself again.
I love what I do. I have devoted my life to helping women who want to breastfeed. I give my all so that other women can have a wonderful breastfeeding experience. I don’t expect everyone to understand…it’s something that only a nursing woman can understand. And, even then, there’s just a select few that can come close to understanding. I do, however, expect everyone to understand that this is my passion…and I will continue to offer my help to EVERY woman that needs and wants help. And, if I cannot help you, I will help find someone that can.
To those that are offended, I offer my apologies. Not because what I do is wrong or offensive or distasteful. Instead, I apologize because you cannot see what I do as wonderful.
To those of you that find encouragement and enthusiasm in my posts, I thank you. It is because of you that I continue on this journey through life. Your support and words of thanks are my encouragement. YOU are MY inspiration. For you, I am eternally grateful!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Neglect
I've been neglecting you, Blog. I've just been really busy. I have a TON of work for school due this week. My final is on Monday, though, so it'll be over soon enough! Then I'll finally get a break on studying!
My first enrichment meeting is coming up for my mother's group. I'm really excited! I've been working hard on getting this all together! I'm sure it will go well. I'm expecting 4 or 5 moms, and if they all show up, it'll be a success!
WBW is coming up the first week of August. Hopefully we'll be able to get things together for a celebration. It's just SO HOT in August (Hell, it's 100* out now, it'll be even HOTTER then!). Maybe we'll have our celebrations later in the year...who knows?
I miss writing and talking to my blog. I'm glad they don't hold grudges...
(or do they?)
My first enrichment meeting is coming up for my mother's group. I'm really excited! I've been working hard on getting this all together! I'm sure it will go well. I'm expecting 4 or 5 moms, and if they all show up, it'll be a success!
WBW is coming up the first week of August. Hopefully we'll be able to get things together for a celebration. It's just SO HOT in August (Hell, it's 100* out now, it'll be even HOTTER then!). Maybe we'll have our celebrations later in the year...who knows?
I miss writing and talking to my blog. I'm glad they don't hold grudges...
(or do they?)
Friday, July 3, 2009
Fish
I guess it's a good thing I got a fish. Right now, it seems like the only one I have to talk to is the fish with no name.
I guess it's just me. I feel like I have no one there for me. I can't call a friend to go out for a while, because I have no one to call. I can't call my sister, because she lives so far away. I can't talk to my husband, because he doesn't (care? have time? understand?).
Even my online friends aren't around right now. I feel so alone. And I'm crying.
I hate that they are having fireworks tonight. I love the whole 4th of July "thing", and I don't want to deal with anything today. I just want to crawl up in a blanket and be alone.
I'm just tired of crying. And even more tired of crying alone.
I even feel bad for posting this. It's not a "poor me, gimme attention" post...it's just that I need to talk about how I feel...and if I can't, I'll tell this little blog. At least the internet will listen...right?
I guess it's just me. I feel like I have no one there for me. I can't call a friend to go out for a while, because I have no one to call. I can't call my sister, because she lives so far away. I can't talk to my husband, because he doesn't (care? have time? understand?).
Even my online friends aren't around right now. I feel so alone. And I'm crying.
I hate that they are having fireworks tonight. I love the whole 4th of July "thing", and I don't want to deal with anything today. I just want to crawl up in a blanket and be alone.
I'm just tired of crying. And even more tired of crying alone.
I even feel bad for posting this. It's not a "poor me, gimme attention" post...it's just that I need to talk about how I feel...and if I can't, I'll tell this little blog. At least the internet will listen...right?
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