Well, my 9 year old has been at my mother's for 4 days now. He hasn't talked about us, doesn't miss us, or anything. We, of course, are dying here. It's really hard without him, but we know he really needed this break. He's feeling much better, and doesn't feel the pressure of life, or the stress of his brothers.
Meanwhile, back at home, we're working on a few things around here. First, we have been working on the attitude of my 10 year old. We're figuring out when he's acting out the most, although we haven't figured out why just yet. Secondly, my 7 year old is working on coping techniques that will make him relax, rather than freak out, when confronted by his bigger and meaner older brother. He's taking to doing Tai Chi with me, and finds it as calming as I do.
Third, we're working on changing the boys' rooms around. We have the big bedroom set up and almost finished. The 10 and 9 year old will share this room, as they really are the ones that get along the best. We moved the 9 year old in there, along with changing his dresser, closet, bookshelf, and a few other things. The 1o year old is there, too, with his mattress (he doesn't have a bed) and his dresser. We've also decided, at least for now, to give them a TV and DVD player on a trial basis.
The other bedroom is a bit harder, but it's coming along. They younger ones have a LOT of toys, many of which I think need to go. This is a bit difficult, because they really seem to play with ALL the toys. I've decided to let them go through the toys and decide what they really want, and not, to make room. Meanwhile I'm weeding out their excess clothes, books, and other nonsense.
Everyone, so far, seems happy about this move. Of course, it will be a surprise for the 9 year old when he comes back. I think the fact that the room is CLEAN will have a huge calming effect, so that will be a bonus. And, the fact that their rooms are clean (or almost clean) is really helping me, too. I'm looking forward to getting them finished, so I can concentrate on getting the rest of the house clean again.
And we just found out that my husband has orders during the summer, so that will mess a LOT of things up. First, he'll be gone for 6 weeks which will be really hard on the kids. Second, I'll be alone, and that makes the summer really hard for me--especially school. Third, our vacation plans are now shot. We won't be able to visit family as planned in June. It's not the end of the world, of course, but it really puts a damper on things. We'll just have to reschedule vacation...or go on it without him (not what I really want to do!)
That's our update for now. Not very exciting, but it's nice to talk about things.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Medicated
So, after all that happened yesterday my husband and I decided on a few things.
We sent our 9 year old to my mothers house. Now granted, she's crazy, too, so I'm not sure it was really the best thing in the world, but I had to do something. At least he'll be away from the craziness that is our house right now.
And, I think I'm figuring this all out.
I really think this is all boiling down to my oldest child. I'm seeing a lot of meanness in him. Not so much anger or anything, but a lot of being a bully. I'm sure it's stemming from the issues he had at school, before I pulled him out, but that's no excuse.
Now, of course, we have this one on a very light dose of medication to help him find a balance. It's a light enough dose that it will calm him down enough to think, act, and do things clearly--without becoming a vegetable. You have to know who I am, and where I come from in my parenting to know that medicating my child is really, the last resort for us and our family.
So far, his medication has been working. We've had to up the minimum dose before, but it's because he's gotten bigger and older. He weighs a lot more than he used to, so it makes sense that it wouldn't be working anymore. Anyway, I think this is what's going on again. He's outgrowing his medication dose at this point, and becoming the "monster" that can't control himself, can't think clearly, and isn't behaving again. He is acting like a jerk to his younger brothers, and it's becoming too much...
And his brothers are paying the price. When this one behaves, there is harmony in our house. there's not stress, there's no bickering, no fighting, no back and forth between the boys. The house is virtually clean, the have a place to go in their room, and everything is fine. But now--it's chaos. Fighting, bickering, arguing, yelling, screaming--it's just too much for anyone to handle.
So, getting the younger one away for a while will help him regroup. It will also give us a chance to really concentrate on getting the oldest one back on tract.
Now, it's not just his fault. The 3rd child, who happens to be 7 years old, is the opposite--and yet, the same. He's realizing that his brothers are getting a LOT of attention because of their behavior. Naturally the "best" thing to do for attention is to behave the same way. Instead of being a "jerk" like the oldest, he's decided to scream longer and louder than any of them. This way he is being heard--and being hushed. We know that we can't react to the misbehavior because that would only reinforce the annoying screeching sounds. So, we look for the positives in his behavior.
So far, so good.
I only wish I could send them ALL away, and re-work on them one at a time. Of course, that's not realistic, but it's nice to dream.
Of course, if we really want to find out why all the boys are misbehaving (well, except for the baby), we have to look deeper into what's going on. I KNOW it's because my husband and I are just so busy lately and they are feeling neglected. My class schedule has changed. I went from one day a week to 3 days a week being gone in the evenings. My husband is working longer hours, looking forward to a possible (and very soon) retirement (sadly, all this "overtime" doesn't bring in any extra money. And soon, I'll be heading back to work, attempting a full time school schedule, and trying to do other things as well. I've put my volunteering on hold for a while (except for my once-a-month meetings) and I've cut out any extra-curricular activities on my part (no more girls' night out's).
Which, of course, makes things a bit harder on us as parents, but once we find our balance again, it will be fine.
Meanwhile, while the 9yo is at grandmas house, the rest of us are going to clean up the boys' rooms, giving each of them their own special place in the house. They have been old enough to keep up with their own rooms, but the chaos of everything hasn't made things very easy. So, with this weekend and starting over, it will really help to have a fresh start for them. I wish we could afford to paint the boys rooms, because that would just make the fresh start really, really great.
You know what else I wish? That I had someone to come help me with the cleanup and chores this weekend. I mean, the boys will help, and my husband will help, but I'm sure they are going to need a bit of "encouragement" to actually get up and moving this weekend.
We sent our 9 year old to my mothers house. Now granted, she's crazy, too, so I'm not sure it was really the best thing in the world, but I had to do something. At least he'll be away from the craziness that is our house right now.
And, I think I'm figuring this all out.
I really think this is all boiling down to my oldest child. I'm seeing a lot of meanness in him. Not so much anger or anything, but a lot of being a bully. I'm sure it's stemming from the issues he had at school, before I pulled him out, but that's no excuse.
Now, of course, we have this one on a very light dose of medication to help him find a balance. It's a light enough dose that it will calm him down enough to think, act, and do things clearly--without becoming a vegetable. You have to know who I am, and where I come from in my parenting to know that medicating my child is really, the last resort for us and our family.
So far, his medication has been working. We've had to up the minimum dose before, but it's because he's gotten bigger and older. He weighs a lot more than he used to, so it makes sense that it wouldn't be working anymore. Anyway, I think this is what's going on again. He's outgrowing his medication dose at this point, and becoming the "monster" that can't control himself, can't think clearly, and isn't behaving again. He is acting like a jerk to his younger brothers, and it's becoming too much...
And his brothers are paying the price. When this one behaves, there is harmony in our house. there's not stress, there's no bickering, no fighting, no back and forth between the boys. The house is virtually clean, the have a place to go in their room, and everything is fine. But now--it's chaos. Fighting, bickering, arguing, yelling, screaming--it's just too much for anyone to handle.
So, getting the younger one away for a while will help him regroup. It will also give us a chance to really concentrate on getting the oldest one back on tract.
Now, it's not just his fault. The 3rd child, who happens to be 7 years old, is the opposite--and yet, the same. He's realizing that his brothers are getting a LOT of attention because of their behavior. Naturally the "best" thing to do for attention is to behave the same way. Instead of being a "jerk" like the oldest, he's decided to scream longer and louder than any of them. This way he is being heard--and being hushed. We know that we can't react to the misbehavior because that would only reinforce the annoying screeching sounds. So, we look for the positives in his behavior.
So far, so good.
I only wish I could send them ALL away, and re-work on them one at a time. Of course, that's not realistic, but it's nice to dream.
Of course, if we really want to find out why all the boys are misbehaving (well, except for the baby), we have to look deeper into what's going on. I KNOW it's because my husband and I are just so busy lately and they are feeling neglected. My class schedule has changed. I went from one day a week to 3 days a week being gone in the evenings. My husband is working longer hours, looking forward to a possible (and very soon) retirement (sadly, all this "overtime" doesn't bring in any extra money. And soon, I'll be heading back to work, attempting a full time school schedule, and trying to do other things as well. I've put my volunteering on hold for a while (except for my once-a-month meetings) and I've cut out any extra-curricular activities on my part (no more girls' night out's).
Which, of course, makes things a bit harder on us as parents, but once we find our balance again, it will be fine.
Meanwhile, while the 9yo is at grandmas house, the rest of us are going to clean up the boys' rooms, giving each of them their own special place in the house. They have been old enough to keep up with their own rooms, but the chaos of everything hasn't made things very easy. So, with this weekend and starting over, it will really help to have a fresh start for them. I wish we could afford to paint the boys rooms, because that would just make the fresh start really, really great.
You know what else I wish? That I had someone to come help me with the cleanup and chores this weekend. I mean, the boys will help, and my husband will help, but I'm sure they are going to need a bit of "encouragement" to actually get up and moving this weekend.
Public
I have decided to make this a public forum, and I'm sending a few people here. Most of the people that read this can leave a comment--anon or not. I will be reviewing, and quite possibly hiding comments so that others cannot read your comments.
That is, of course, if I can figure out how to do that.
Just know that you won't be the only one to read it, or comment.
Thanks, everyone, for understanding.
That is, of course, if I can figure out how to do that.
Just know that you won't be the only one to read it, or comment.
Thanks, everyone, for understanding.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Family
Everyone has one in their family. The crazy one. Except my family...I think we only have one "normal" person. The rest of us? Crazy. And not in a silly way--in a "diagnose-able, time to call the doctor, are there any meds I can take? should I be in a hospital?" kinda way.
It's not so bad when your grandparent's have issues. Or your aunts or uncles. Or your mom or dad. Or, even your brothers and sisters. But when they ALL do, and then you have children on top of it, you begin to worry what is going on in the world!
I won't get into the nuttiness of my other 3 children, but I will talk about the son I'm most concerned about today. My second child, 9, has everything wrong with him. He's the real reason I'm writing all this today. There's medical issues, there's learning disabilities, there's developmental delays, and now there's clearly emotional issues, too.
He goes up and down with emotions. He's feeling overwhelmed and depressed. He's tired of having medical problems. he's tired of feeling "stupid". He doesn't want to be a part of this family. He wants to live somewhere else. He doesn't want me as his mother, or my husband as his father. He doesn't want brothers. He wants to move away. He wants to get away.
He's 9. He shouldn't be feeling this at this young an age. He's felt this before, and it comes and goes with him. He's not being mean. It's not an "I hate you" kinda thing...it's a serious depression thing. He's not trying to be hurtful, he's just hurting inside...and he doesn't know what to do about it.
We're trying to talk to him. Trying to understand what is hurting him so much. What could be causing all this pain in a 9 year old? Why would a 9 year old boy not want to live anymore? What could be so bad that his life is so sad?
Tomorrow I'm calling his pediatrician. I'm also going to call the therapist of my oldest child (yep, he's in therapy, too--sigh). Then I'm going to call the crappy insurance that we have to see if they cover Mental Health anywhere around here. I know that a few years ago they didn't...I'm hoping they will now.
It hurts us that our son is hurting so badly. I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to struggle. And part of me knows where this is heading, but doesn't want to accept it. The other part of me knows that this isn't something that we can ignore or brush off as a "kids will be kids" thing. It's deeper than that. I know it is. Especially when you've seen your family going through the same things. And especially when you've felt that nothingness, the emptiness, the complete loneliness and helplessness in yourself before.
I'm a good mom--a great mom. I'm balanced, I'm fair, I advocate for my children. I'm loving, I'm kind, I'm firm, I'm strong. But despite doing everything right, part of me feels like I've failed him. I know, logically, that I haven't, but emotionally it's hard to shake that feeling. I'll do everything that needs to be done to help him, of course, it will just be hard knowing that I couldn't be the one to help him.
He needs help. More than I can give him as his mom. More than we can give him as his parents. More than the counselor can give him. This, I'm afraid, may lead to a hospital stay or mental health clinic "emergency" visit...
It's not so bad when your grandparent's have issues. Or your aunts or uncles. Or your mom or dad. Or, even your brothers and sisters. But when they ALL do, and then you have children on top of it, you begin to worry what is going on in the world!
I won't get into the nuttiness of my other 3 children, but I will talk about the son I'm most concerned about today. My second child, 9, has everything wrong with him. He's the real reason I'm writing all this today. There's medical issues, there's learning disabilities, there's developmental delays, and now there's clearly emotional issues, too.
He goes up and down with emotions. He's feeling overwhelmed and depressed. He's tired of having medical problems. he's tired of feeling "stupid". He doesn't want to be a part of this family. He wants to live somewhere else. He doesn't want me as his mother, or my husband as his father. He doesn't want brothers. He wants to move away. He wants to get away.
He's 9. He shouldn't be feeling this at this young an age. He's felt this before, and it comes and goes with him. He's not being mean. It's not an "I hate you" kinda thing...it's a serious depression thing. He's not trying to be hurtful, he's just hurting inside...and he doesn't know what to do about it.
We're trying to talk to him. Trying to understand what is hurting him so much. What could be causing all this pain in a 9 year old? Why would a 9 year old boy not want to live anymore? What could be so bad that his life is so sad?
Tomorrow I'm calling his pediatrician. I'm also going to call the therapist of my oldest child (yep, he's in therapy, too--sigh). Then I'm going to call the crappy insurance that we have to see if they cover Mental Health anywhere around here. I know that a few years ago they didn't...I'm hoping they will now.
It hurts us that our son is hurting so badly. I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to struggle. And part of me knows where this is heading, but doesn't want to accept it. The other part of me knows that this isn't something that we can ignore or brush off as a "kids will be kids" thing. It's deeper than that. I know it is. Especially when you've seen your family going through the same things. And especially when you've felt that nothingness, the emptiness, the complete loneliness and helplessness in yourself before.
I'm a good mom--a great mom. I'm balanced, I'm fair, I advocate for my children. I'm loving, I'm kind, I'm firm, I'm strong. But despite doing everything right, part of me feels like I've failed him. I know, logically, that I haven't, but emotionally it's hard to shake that feeling. I'll do everything that needs to be done to help him, of course, it will just be hard knowing that I couldn't be the one to help him.
He needs help. More than I can give him as his mom. More than we can give him as his parents. More than the counselor can give him. This, I'm afraid, may lead to a hospital stay or mental health clinic "emergency" visit...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Religion
There is a certain happiness that surrounds someone when they find the things that bring them joy. For me, it was searching and reviewing and really coming to terms with my religion. Having been raised Roman Catholic, part of me is afraid to let go of how I really feel, and wonders if it is ok to feel anything different.
So, I took a world religion class. What was I expecting to find? A new religion? The answer? What would bring me closer to God? Is there a God? Am I supposed to know these things? Should I even be allowed to ask these things?
Well, people do ask, and I wanted to be one of them. The religions we cover and are covering are fascinating...all of them. I'm not sure I can grasp them all, but I understand them. I can see how one would feel this way or that about certain things. I can understand how someone who believes a certain way would find peace and fulfillment in the various religions.
But...where was my peace? Why can't I find the harmony that everyone else finds? Why, when I am praying just as hard, to the same God, can't I feel that fulfillment that everyone speaks of?
Now, I understand a bit more.
I wasn't being true to myself. I was doing what I thought was right, because you aren't allowed to think any other way (or, you'll suffer the ultimate consequences). What if I let everything that I know go, and find what makes me happy?
So, I did. I read a bit of this, and a bit of that, and finally, there was just this one part of this one book, and I felt...calm.
I looked into it more. I went to the bookstore, and picked up a pocket-size version of the book. I sat down, and read a chapter. Then another. Then another. It all made sense to me. Sure, it was way out there...like nothing I've ever read before, but it was...happiness.
It wasn't about finding this God, or believing that way, or doing this or doing that. It was about...being. Just being. I could make this part of my life, and bring what belief I find in my God, and make it a part of this. And then there was peace. And harmony.
And a few weeks later, less yelling. And more of an, "It's OK" feeling. And happiness. And I felt complete.
Now, keep in mind I don't know everything about this way of life. Nor will I be worshiping the author of the book. Nor am I insulting anyone else's religion or beliefs. And, of course, I don't expect you to believe the way I do, or read this book, or understand it the way I do. Whatever you feel, whatever you believe, whatever makes you happy and brings happiness to those around you, that is what you should be...or do.
I like what this brings me. I like the way I feel when I read this. I like the understanding, the open-ness, the love, peace, harmony and fulfillment that I'm finding within me now.
My answer? My way? My happiness? I'm finding it in Taoism. I'm reading the Tao Te Ching. HERE is one copy that I'm reading. There are many translations, of course, and I'm reading a couple side by side. They are virtually the same, but all bring me happiness.
Of course, this post, and all that it entails...and as much as I discuss here...it goes against the way of Tao. But, for some reason, people want to know why. They want to think I'm not crazy. They want to think that I'm not being anti-God. But they think, for all that this is, that I am.
And, I may be. But that's ok with me. I'm happy.
Be happy for me.
~The way to do is to be~
So, I took a world religion class. What was I expecting to find? A new religion? The answer? What would bring me closer to God? Is there a God? Am I supposed to know these things? Should I even be allowed to ask these things?
Well, people do ask, and I wanted to be one of them. The religions we cover and are covering are fascinating...all of them. I'm not sure I can grasp them all, but I understand them. I can see how one would feel this way or that about certain things. I can understand how someone who believes a certain way would find peace and fulfillment in the various religions.
But...where was my peace? Why can't I find the harmony that everyone else finds? Why, when I am praying just as hard, to the same God, can't I feel that fulfillment that everyone speaks of?
Now, I understand a bit more.
I wasn't being true to myself. I was doing what I thought was right, because you aren't allowed to think any other way (or, you'll suffer the ultimate consequences). What if I let everything that I know go, and find what makes me happy?
So, I did. I read a bit of this, and a bit of that, and finally, there was just this one part of this one book, and I felt...calm.
I looked into it more. I went to the bookstore, and picked up a pocket-size version of the book. I sat down, and read a chapter. Then another. Then another. It all made sense to me. Sure, it was way out there...like nothing I've ever read before, but it was...happiness.
It wasn't about finding this God, or believing that way, or doing this or doing that. It was about...being. Just being. I could make this part of my life, and bring what belief I find in my God, and make it a part of this. And then there was peace. And harmony.
And a few weeks later, less yelling. And more of an, "It's OK" feeling. And happiness. And I felt complete.
Now, keep in mind I don't know everything about this way of life. Nor will I be worshiping the author of the book. Nor am I insulting anyone else's religion or beliefs. And, of course, I don't expect you to believe the way I do, or read this book, or understand it the way I do. Whatever you feel, whatever you believe, whatever makes you happy and brings happiness to those around you, that is what you should be...or do.
I like what this brings me. I like the way I feel when I read this. I like the understanding, the open-ness, the love, peace, harmony and fulfillment that I'm finding within me now.
My answer? My way? My happiness? I'm finding it in Taoism. I'm reading the Tao Te Ching. HERE is one copy that I'm reading. There are many translations, of course, and I'm reading a couple side by side. They are virtually the same, but all bring me happiness.
Of course, this post, and all that it entails...and as much as I discuss here...it goes against the way of Tao. But, for some reason, people want to know why. They want to think I'm not crazy. They want to think that I'm not being anti-God. But they think, for all that this is, that I am.
And, I may be. But that's ok with me. I'm happy.
Be happy for me.
~The way to do is to be~
Friday, March 13, 2009
Testing
This is just a test blog.
Something in green.
Something in blueish.
And a bit of purple.
Regular type Largest type.
smallest type.
italics
arial type
courier type
Georgia type
Lucinda type
times
t-something type
veranda
webdings. Really? shouldn't that be all funny pictures and what-not?
I like my yin/yang picture. I've been reading the Tao Te Ching, and find happiness when reading it.
That is all.
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