Family

Everyone has one in their family. The crazy one. Except my family...I think we only have one "normal" person. The rest of us? Crazy. And not in a silly way--in a "diagnose-able, time to call the doctor, are there any meds I can take? should I be in a hospital?" kinda way.

It's not so bad when your grandparent's have issues. Or your aunts or uncles. Or your mom or dad. Or, even your brothers and sisters. But when they ALL do, and then you have children on top of it, you begin to worry what is going on in the world!


I won't get into the nuttiness of my other 3 children, but I will talk about the son I'm most concerned about today. My second child, 9, has everything wrong with him. He's the real reason I'm writing all this today. There's medical issues, there's learning disabilities, there's developmental delays, and now there's clearly emotional issues, too.

He goes up and down with emotions. He's feeling overwhelmed and depressed. He's tired of having medical problems. he's tired of feeling "stupid". He doesn't want to be a part of this family. He wants to live somewhere else. He doesn't want me as his mother, or my husband as his father. He doesn't want brothers. He wants to move away. He wants to get away.

He's 9. He shouldn't be feeling this at this young an age. He's felt this before, and it comes and goes with him. He's not being mean. It's not an "I hate you" kinda thing...it's a serious depression thing. He's not trying to be hurtful, he's just hurting inside...and he doesn't know what to do about it.

We're trying to talk to him. Trying to understand what is hurting him so much. What could be causing all this pain in a 9 year old? Why would a 9 year old boy not want to live anymore? What could be so bad that his life is so sad?

Tomorrow I'm calling his pediatrician. I'm also going to call the therapist of my oldest child (yep, he's in therapy, too--sigh). Then I'm going to call the crappy insurance that we have to see if they cover Mental Health anywhere around here. I know that a few years ago they didn't...I'm hoping they will now.

It hurts us that our son is hurting so badly. I don't want him to suffer. I don't want him to struggle. And part of me knows where this is heading, but doesn't want to accept it. The other part of me knows that this isn't something that we can ignore or brush off as a "kids will be kids" thing. It's deeper than that. I know it is. Especially when you've seen your family going through the same things. And especially when you've felt that nothingness, the emptiness, the complete loneliness and helplessness in yourself before.

I'm a good mom--a great mom. I'm balanced, I'm fair, I advocate for my children. I'm loving, I'm kind, I'm firm, I'm strong. But despite doing everything right, part of me feels like I've failed him. I know, logically, that I haven't, but emotionally it's hard to shake that feeling. I'll do everything that needs to be done to help him, of course, it will just be hard knowing that I couldn't be the one to help him.

He needs help. More than I can give him as his mom. More than we can give him as his parents. More than the counselor can give him. This, I'm afraid, may lead to a hospital stay or mental health clinic "emergency" visit...