Different

Some of you know I'm a screamer. Lately, though, I've been out of control. Until the meds...

This is what just happened:

Kids put a cup of water on the floor and walked away.
I walked into the room, didn't see the cup, and tripped over it, kicking water across the room.

This is what happened next:

me: can someone bring me a towel, please?

child: clean one, or a floor towel?

me: see if you can find a floor one.

child: there's none in here

me: oh, look, there's one.

Not to exciting...not really something to write about, right? Well, it is. Here's why: 4 days ago, here's how that would have went:

me: WHAT THE FUCK? WHO LEFT THE CUP ON THE FLOOR? BRING ME A FUCKING TOWEL NOW!!!

child: I'm looking, I'm looking. Hang on Mom.

me: HURRY UP.

child: I can't find one.

me: JUST BRING ME A FUCKING TOWEL, ANY TOWEL, NOW, GODDAMIT.

add 20 more minutes of me bitching and swearing because I spilled water.

I knew I was a bitch. I knew I was upset. I didn't know how bad it was until I spilled the water today.

Now, I'm ashamed that I'm telling you this, because I don't want to admit how awful a parent I was becoming. No wonder my kids are losing it. No wonder my husband was telling me I was getting out of control. No wonder I couldn't see it.

I'm actually crying now. I was so far gone I didn't even realize it. I was a bad mom, and losing it, and had NO idea. The good thing is that while I'm talking with the kids now, they know I'm listening. They even commented on how there's no yelling in the house now.

I'm glad my doctor saw it. I wasn't asking for help...I still felt I didn't need it. But he was good enough of a doctor to notice I was over the edge. Too bad he's a neurologist and not a PCM. I'm so glad this is working. I don't care about the nausea and side effects...I'm not a bitch anymore.